Mid Series 6-Pack: “Just because a pitcher takes 14 tries to finally beat one team…”



Save us, Andrew Kinback from Nationals Inquisition

How do the Nationals plan on getting past the Phillies’ “kookiness,” a key component of any contending team?

Did you know the first reported use of the word “kooky” was in 1959? In 1959 the Philadelphia Phillies finished dead last in the National League and only accumulated 64 wins. So the Nationals plan involves a dictionary, a baseball reference guide and a time machine.  You figure out.

Is John Lannan pitching in this series?  The hell’s his problem?

Just because a Major League pitcher takes 14 tries to finally beat one team doesn’t mean he has a problem. He is just a bit, you know, slow. He is a slow learner. Or a glutton for punishment. Or both. Look, there is an idea of a John Lannan; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real him. I stole that last line from a movie.

The Nationals recently partnered with Coca-Cola on a campaign to get kids healthier.  How can they accomplish this in tandem with a soda company, whose goal is to get kids to drink soda, when soda is known to cause osteoporosis, tooth decay, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity?

Nationals Park is one of the most “green friendly” ballparks in America. They take great pride in this. I know, I’ve seen their iceless, air-cooled beer coolers. But this marvel, this monstrosity of tree hugging hippiness is in part sponsored by Exxon-Mobil. I mean, the Exxon logo is printed on the outfield walls but no one seems to notice or make the connection.

Coca Cola? Tooth decay, heart disease?  Are you serious? Please. It is small beans making someone osteoporosis
or obese. You’re on a whole other level when you support a company that can scar the oceans and extinct whole species while robbing people blind. Takes a special organization to support that.

The Washington Post is putting a lot of emphasis on the Nationals bid for a third place finish.  How much significance would this have for everybody?  And how does “Jayson Werth and the Homegrowns” sound as a team concept?

It would have significance for a lot of people actually. It will be progress for the Washington franchise as it would be their highest finish in the NL East standings since 2007 when the Nationals actually finished fourth (the party Washington threw after that is still only talked about in excited whispers).

A third place finish for the Nats might actually make the New York Mets face the facts that they actually suck and as for the Florida Marlins, Florida Miamis, Miami Rays, whatever they are calling themselves next season, well–actually, no one down there is paying any attention to baseball right now to care.

As for “Jayson Werth and the Homegrowns,” my new band is doing fine and we are in the studio working on our first album. Danger Mouse producing.

Weren’t R.A. Dickey and Chien-Ming Wang supposed to face each other this season?  Who are the best opposing pitchers to next to Wang’s name, in regards to high quality dick jokes?

I can’t recalled if these two upstanding gentlemen faced each other this year or not. If they did I don’t remember if Dickey smacked Wang or Wang soiled Dickey. I feel like I was given the shaft if I missed out on these two members of the Baseball Fraternity jacking around on a field, but I surely will catch the sequel: Dickey-Wang II: Sloppy Seconds.  I don’t know Dickey and I don’t like Dickey.

Recently Wang faced Florida’s Brad Hand. Everyone giggled.

How successful was the “Make the Nationals America’s Team” campaign?  I stopped hearing about that after a while.

Man, you guys remember that? You can hardly find a Nats fan these days that either remembers it or admits to remembering that hellish day when GM Leatherpants (Jim Bowden) went on the air and declared that it was the goal of the Washington organization to make the Nationals “America’s Team.”

I remember it because I nearly ran myself off the road and into a concrete barrier when I heard it. Becoming “America’s Team” is oddly enough the goal of a bunch of Cowboys down in Dallas and Washington D.C. has a thing against cowboys. Bowden was a bit of a cowboy himself so maybe that is why he and George W. Bush never made it in this town.