Phillies Assure You Those Strangers in the Dugout are On the List


You’ve probably noticed all those unfamiliar people in the dugout lately.  One of them is John Bowker.  These are the others.

Joe Savery, LHP

"“I had a very tough time with it. It was a very emotional moment for sure.”–Joe Savery on his call-up"

Well maybe you don’t even want to be up here Joe.  Geeze.  Right now there are like hundreds of players in our farm system who would literally kill to be in your place.  Literally.  I’ve had several phone calls from most of them, demanding to know if there’s anyone I want dead, because now that it’s the off season, they have to find a new way to make ends meet.

This is how baseball works.  You play as long as you can, then you fall into a life of professional murdering.  So maybe show a little gratitude in the future.

Erik Kratz, C

Kratz is the guy from all the jokes about how bad Dane Sardinha is.  Where is Dane?  Is he okay?  I’ll bet he isn’t.

Erik was suspended at the beginning of the month for “instigating a confrontation,” so he’s a troublemaker.  Charlie will have to keep a close eye on him, because even if his raw talent is there, he may need to be broken in through strict reprimand, leading to an emotional breakthrough, followed by a bond that will last forever.

Though he’s 31 years old, so it may be too late to change him.  But remember, it’s never too late to change someone.  Unless they’re too old.  Which he might be.

Justin De Fratus, RHP

Remember that time I was trying to be all writer-y and compared this guy to a fork?  I’m so good.  At this.

I remember the day I was called up to the Majors.

“Justin!” they said.  “You’re starting at first base for the Phillies tonight!”

“I knew it,” I replied.  “Finally, I get to leave behind this crock of shit for a real life.”

“Hey, that’s… why are you being so…”

“Seriously.  I mean it.  Any second I seemed to be content with my life here was a lie.  I had burrowed into far past my emotional capacity for happiness.”

“But Justin–”

“God, you know what I’m really looking forward to?  Never coming back here again, ever.  Like, I want to be that guy people see on TV and they’re like, ‘Oh, that’s what he’s doing.  That’s so great.’  And then they look down at the dishes they’re cleaning during the 14-hour shift at the job they hate and they just cry.  They just really and truly lose it, right there, at work, and all of their co-workers who don’t even know them very well are forced to work around this emotional wreck having a meltdown in the middle of the dinner rush.  That’s what I’m looking forward to the most.”

“Justin, you of course aren’t going to the Major Leagues.  I was being sarcastic.  Why would… none of that is possible.”



So I imagine that’s pretty close to what Justin felt.

Brandon Moss, OF

I think he’s best known for being Alan Jackson’s cousin and hitting a home run in the first inning of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs’ legendary single victory in 2011 Governor’s Cup that got everybody’s hopes up and then ruined them.

Domonic Brown, OF

I actually don’t who this person is.  Is he good?  My initial perception is to assume he’s awful.  I’m basing that on nothing, I’m just… I look at that name, and I hear a voice in my head shouting “He’s terrible.”  And the voice is Harry Kalas’ voice, so I trust it.