Phillies Sign Usually-Ignored Canadian Pitcher


Pete Orr has all but had a monopoly on Philadelphia-Canada Baseball Relations for a little while now, but that hasn’t stopped the Phillies from finding his successor.

"“They treat everyone the same whether you’re a first-round pick or a free agent and they’ve got a pretty good number of Canadians in the system.”-Robbie Cooper via the Windsor Star"

It’s always nice to know that an organization isn’t drafting you just because they’re a shadowy corporation that is planning to kill and eat you.  Not that the Phillies are doing that to Canadians, I’m just saying, it must be nice to sign a contract and not have to worry about that.

Cooper brings a 6′ 3″, 195 lbs. frame, and more importantly, a left-handed arm to the Phillies organization.  But what really helped Cooper, who has watched entire MLB Drafts go by in the past without his phone ringing, is the involvement of the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame’s CEO Tom Valcke.

Apparently Valcke’s recommendation is enough to get you hired, drunk, laid… whatever you want in the Great White North.  Any doubt the Phillies may have had on their pick was erased entirely when Valcke kicked the front office doors in, pointed and winked at Ruben Amaro, then scooted off to attend one of those secret Canadian Sex Parties we all know about.

“Things came up pretty quick,” said Cooper, in an out-of-context quote that looks pretty funny after the phrase “Canadian Sex Party.”

Meanwhile, Pete Orr, gripped by the paranoia of being dethroned, has surrounded himself with the Canadian forces already embedded in the organization, awaiting Cooper’s next move…