John Mayberry Sees Mermaid; Orders Her Brought to Him


We can’t pretend to understand the tangled web of intrigue that is celebrity life, but when we are made privy to a brief glimpse of it’s inner workings, we can giggle and squeal before returning to our mundane, punchless, funless, sexless, bullshit lives.  It breaks up the day nicely.

Did I say “sexless”?  What I meant to say is “John Mayberry is in love with a mermaid.”

Ah, young love.  Is there anything more humiliating to make public?  Especially when that love does not actually exist yet, and is more like a guy asking his friend to ask a girl out for him than anything worth putting into the next Kate Hudson script?

Her name is Antoinette Nikprelaj, and she played a half-fish in Pirates of the Carribbean.  She and John are represented by the same agency, CAA, and he saw her face in a stack of pictures.  It was love at first stack of pictures.

John sent the young lady his information, including his biography, a standard move for any young buck on the prowl.  There isn’t a situation where I won’t slip a lady the 46-page abridged story of my life written in szie 10 font.  She wants me to buy her a drink?  Well, maybe learn a little bit about me first.  What’s my favorite LEGO genre?  You don’t even know.  How are we supposed to bond over alcohol before we even drink any of it.

But we’re talking about John Mayberry, here–Stanford educated, well spoken, tough out, John Mayberry.  He’s probably conducted numerous tests, experiments, and surveys regarding the compatibility of himself and any prospective partner.

No word yet on her response, but if she wants to become a human being and forego her life of deep sea alienation from a society that doesn’t understand her, then John Mayberry may be her last chance at happiness.