Formal Protest of that Thing You Already Forgot About is Coming Along
By Justin Klugh
"“We’re just trying to do what we think is right, and we’ll deal with the consequences after that.”–Ruben Amaro"
Consequences. Ruben Amaro doesn’t worry about them. That’s because for him, they usually involve one of baseball’s greatest pitchers smiling and holding a Phillies jersey.
In this case, however, Ruben is out for what for what he is not often seeking: revenge.
Someone is going to pay for this travesty. And Ruben is not above formally protesting the shit out of this until it is far, far beyond the scope of anyone’s attention span.
I’m sure Joe West has already forgotten about what happened, thanks to a distracting combination of his idea for the title track of his next country album, “I Just Want to Change the Rules Without Being Accountable for Myself,” and finding a record number of Cheez-its between his car seats.
I’m sure Bryan Petersen has put it out of his mind, needing his focus to be on the Marlins’ playoff run.
I’m sure shit-head and whats-his-douche have already let go of it as well, needing every one of their brain cells to bong rips of shitty weed and reignite their love affair with the early seasons of Entourage. Ari, yo! Why can he say racist shit and nobody says anything?! Dude’s the man!
Seriously that guy’s name was “Augie Fitzhenry.” Isn’t that the kid who blew his brains out in Catcher in the Rye?
The point is, it doesn’t matter. As the MLB rules clearly state, if a formal protest should go through, the events in question are permanently erased from history, and the protesting team gets to rewrite what happened to their own benefit. And the incident in question very clearly went against the heinous jackassery that is MLB’s instant replay rules, and when has MLB brass ever sided with the umpires solely for the sake of saving face or sheer laziness?
In the mean time, however, Ruben will bide his time in his Revenge Chair; a large, deeply black swivel seat, surrounded by flickering monitors and a terrible, mocking laugh waiting to erupt from his throat.