Teenage Venezuelan Has Phillies Brass Losing Their Shit


Ah, to be 16 again.  And also in Venezuela, being signed by the Phillies.

My teenage years were very similar to yours; failing learner’s permit tests multiple times, shouting sarcastic remarks in Trigonometry class and then tearfully apologizing later to the teacher after being threatened with detention, chasing girls around town, being told there was far too much “screaming” when I chased girls for it to be considered “charming and playful,” and hanging out at the malt shop.



Carlos Tocci is about to sign his life away to hang out in a malt shop called “Philadelphia,” where the waiters all shout at you impatiently and all the customers are really, really good.  Of course, by the time Carlos sees the Major Leagues, our grizzled veteran could by Kyle Kendrick and our star player could be a half-cyborg Ryan Howard, who was unfathomably given a 17-year contract extension in 2016.

Meanwhile, Carlos is an outfielder very clearly missing a human face who is expected to replace Domingo Santana, who was a piece of the Hunter Pence deal that we’re all pretending has no downside while Hunter rips the cover off the ball.  Hopefully Carlos is the kind of prospect that we’ll all be biting our fists over at a trade deadline some time in the future.

Not sure what we can truly expect at this point from a faceless teenager, but the Phillies felt like the right-handed kid he was worth a $750,000 signing bonus.