Michael Schwimer Reaches Big Leagues After Prolonged Bout with Not Doing So


It took a few years, as well as a month of complaints followed by apologies, but enough people have finally gotten hurt to allow Phillies pitching prospect Michael Schwimer his chance at the Major League level.  And what better time to pop the top off another bottle of youth–when our staples have begun to crumble and die?

A human giant, right-handed Schwimer stands 6′ 8″ and 250 pounds, so look for him to terrorize hitters into submission by screaming at them or taking an ominous step or two towards home plate between pitches.  His natural size is complemented nicely by a mentality that he deserves this shot, so hitters should be prepared to be overwhelmed by sheer force of will.  If they should reach base, Schwimer’s pickoff move involves walking swiftly over to the bag and stomping the life out of them.

Schwimer has acknowledged the promotion is merely one part of his life dream, so we are left to assume what the other half might and that it is probably “Being significantly awesome for prolonged periods of time.”

He joins Michael Stutes in the “Shaggy hair that extends out the back of the hat” look, with which Stutes has found a lot of success.

Already encouraging the manufacturing of t-shirts and the owner of a Twitter account, Schwimer will undoubtedly become an even bigger hit online, as long as he does everything flawlessly, immediately.  Fans can look forward to forking over $22 for “Phear the Phro” t-shirts that range from novel and clever to stupid and slapped together at the last minute to make a few bucks.