Hunter Pence to the Phillies for Jarred Cosart, Jonathan Singleton, and somebody else!
Hunter Pence to the Braves for their top four pitching prospects!
Hunter Pence to the Sudan for three barrels of crude oil!
I tell ya, this trade talk can get pretty overwhelming at times, right? Sure, we can sit there like we always do, pretending to understand when we’re really just picturing Michael Stutes’ hair billowing in the wind, but you want my advice? Just sit back like a coward and don’t choose a side.
It’s the same mentality that’s kept America out of wars! And that’s what the weeks leading up to the trade deadline are: a war. And nobody wins. Well, they do. But you won’t know who does. Because you’re not paying attention.
Let’s instead turn our focus to a player who will definitely be joining the Phillies soon: Placido Polanco. The Phils will be acquiring the veteran third baseman from the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, a team from our own farm system. Wow! That seems crazy! Of course, everything does when you’re willfully ignorant.
Polanco was catching pop-ups, he was getting on base one time, and best of all, he was playing baseball without being constant pain!
"“I made contact. I was able to see some pitches … and I felt good.”–Placido Polanco"
As the Phillies would probably tell you, seeing pitches is the first step toward hitting them. Apparently the pain in Polanco’s back had become so resounding he’d contracted hysterical blindness. Fortunately, he gave into the peer pressure of drug use and took two epidural shots that he originally didn’t want for some reason.
In his next appearance, Placido will play nine entire innings of baseball, instead of the six he played in this game, and try to make himself the Phillies’ midseason acquisition that nobody wants Hunter Pence to be.