Jose Contreras Attempts Transformation Into Superhero


"Phillies reliever Jose Contreras received a platelet-rich plasma injection to help alleviate pain in his right throwing arm.—Todd Zolecki"

As comic books have taught us, this will end well.


Jose Contreras is strapped to a gurney leaning upward, surrounded by computers and blinking lights.  He is ruthlessly silent as a scientist approaches holding a needle.

JOSE:  How long–


The scientist points back at Roy Halladay sleeping peacefully in a hyperbolic chamber.  Through a series of hand gestures, he seems to indicate that speaking loudly will cause something terrible to happen.

JOSE:  *In a quieter tone*  How long will it take for this to have an affect?

SCIENTIST:  .It should be immediate.  But some of these formulas are hit or miss.  We gave Blanton that Cortisone Sandwich and now his body is ruined.

They make awkward eye contact as the scientist tries to backpedal out his statement.

SCIENTIST:  But there’s no reason to assume that will happen to you.  You have a…totally different… uh, body.

Jose arches one eye brow in suspicion.

JOSE:  You concern me.  There are already three other closers on this team.  I want to be sure I still have value.

The scientist scoffs at this.

SCIENTIST:  Well, I invented that audio chip that allows me to understand your Spanish.  So that covers that plot hole and indicates my very high quality credentials.  Now please, relax.  This is highly volatile plasma.  They used it as a prop in Batman and Robin.  Remember that scene when that guy becomes Bane and that liquid was pumping into him? Don’t worry, it didn’t really turn him into Bane.  They did have trouble keeping all the plants in Poison Ivy’s lair alive for the rest of the shoot, though.  Ah well.

He moves toward Jose.

JOSE:  Well, as long as you think it’ll help my pitching.

The scientist recoils at this revelation.

SCIENTIST:  Pitching?!  I thought you wanted to murder Batman!  Ha, ha.  Just kidding.

JOSE:  I don’t understand.

SCIENTIST:  You probably won’t feel a thing.

He injects Jose, whose body begins lurching and twitching dramatically.

SCIENTIST:  That’s weird, it’s not even completely in your system ye–

Jose rips off the straps holding him down, the plasma surging through his veins.  He leaps up with far more agility than he’s ever shown, muscles expanding rapidly.


Jose casually backhands him, sending him flying into some computers.  In a deep voice, like a tape being played at quarter speed, Jose laughs manically and shouts something about being referred to as “Big Truck” from this day forth and possibly plotting to steal the Liberty Bell.  He then hurls his body through a wall and enters the world a monster.

The scientist re-enters the room, rubbing his head.

SCIENTIST:  … why do we even bother with the straps…

ROY HALLADAY:  *In background, waking up* Is it time to pitch?

The scientist spins around in a panic.


He dives toward a large red button on the wall and presses it, filling the room with nerve gas.  Roy stands up, already in full uniform, and walks out the gaping hole in the wall while the scientist chokes to death on the fumes.