Roy Oswalt Doesn’t Have Time for Stupid Rehab Assignment


Roy Oswalt is assuming that his body will be back to 100% after a single rehab assignment, which if you understand how human bodies work, makes total sense.

But Roy Oswalt doesn’t have a normal human body.  He was raised in that town in Mississippi where you have to dodge lions on every street corner.  You really think a guy who spent large portions of his adulthood dodging wildcat attacks couldn’t come back from a back injury?  Please.  I’ve read unconfirmed reports that he once fought off a starved lioness with a jagged bone fragment that had been ripped out of his own forearm.  I also wrote those unconfirmed reports.

The real issue is, when Roy gets back, who has to explain the “…but we already have a fourth ace” problem.  I mean, a guy like Roy isn’t going to settle for being anything less than a number three.  If the Phillies rotation has proven anything this season, it is that they are all more self-obsessed and concerned about their reputations than any other kind of human person.

Have you ever been replaced by a kid with glasses before?  It’s got to be emotionally grating.  He’s sitting there, mocking you with his debilitating vision problems; laughing with your friends, starting in your spot, pitching off your mound… there can’t be a much worse moment in a baseball player’s career.

Me, I’ve only been the kid in glasses.  And if I started a game in somebody’s place it was usually because my coach was trying to spite someone.  Regardless, does this rotation really have room for five aces?  Yes.  Yes it does.

So, what is the problem again?