Phillies Confirm Every Single Trade Rumor You’ve Heard
By Justin Klugh
“Including Dumb Ones,” source says
On a day when the midsummer humidity was leaving young families sobbing over the heat-stroked carcasses of dogs left in cars, it was very clear that Ruben Amaro was the only one in the room not sweating.
“That usually means he’s got something to say,” a source close to the Phillies GM reported. “Or that he’s acquired an ace. Or gotten away with something awful. He’s a tough guy to judge based on what fluids are coming out of his body, really. I guess most people are. Its kind of a stupid way to monitor people. I guess we should just shut up and let him speak, huh? That’d probably be easier. Sorry for speaking to you unprovoked.”
As the deadline approaches, rumors tend to fly recklessly though Major League Baseball. Some are more easily debunked than others. But Ruben Amaro shocked the baseball world today when he held a press conference confirming that the Phillies had traded the entirety of their farm system for every single player they had been linked to in the past few weeks.
“Hunter Pence, absolutely. He was the centerpiece of the 27-team deal,” Amaro explained. “Uh, let’s see, who else… Carlos Beltran, Heath Bell, Mike Adams, Ryan Ludwick, Josh Willingham, a few other guys I can’t remember, aaaaaand… oh, right, we snared Starlin Castro, just ’cause… well, honestly, I just wanted to see if I could do it. I could, turns out.”
Amaro appeared quite confident, leaning on the podium like a sedated cat and chewing gum loudly into the microphone as he spoke. Several times he yawned theatrically in the middle of a reporter’s question about Ubaldo Jimenez.
“Yeah, and Ubaldo, too. Jimenez. Yup.”
His statements made for a truly historic day in not only the history of baseball, but sports in general. Never had so many trade rumors been simultaneously confirmed and completed.
“I mean, yeah, they’re a good team, so I guess its cool,” said a confused Ryan Ludwick as he cleaned out his locker in the San Diego locker room. “Its kind of strange that they don’t have a minor league system anymore, and you can only have 25 guys on the roster, so…”
Heath Bell and Mike Adams were more passive about the change. “I’ll probably just get hurt,” Adams admitted before the three of them left to catch a bus to the airport.
“Where am I going to play?” Starlin Castro asked rhetorically in an email response to questions. “I’m clearly blocked by Jimmy Rollins. I really don’t understand this at all. How did this happen? [Cubs GM] Jim Hendry had just finished telling me I was the future. And I mean just finished. We still in the same room together when the phone rang and he asked me to sit back down.”
“Yeah, I guess we already had players, but I just wanted more, you know?” explained Amaro.
The move came as a shock to Phillies prospects Jonathan Singleton, Jared Cosart, Trevor May, and others who had been assuming they were a part of the club’s future. Amaro had little but a bored sigh to offer in response to questions about their futures.
“I’m gonna go grab lunch,” he stated, already halfway out the press room door.
UPDATE 1:51 pm: Amaro just confirmed over the phone and with his mouth full of food that the Phillies have acquired Michael Cuddyer, and plan on using him as “I don’t know, like a trainer or something.”