Vance Worley Still Cool Despite Very Clear Vision Issues


My awkward phase lasted four greasy, erect years and it didn’t stop because I was trying to play sports.  My vision was still poor enough to get me killed in a mildly busy intersection whether or not I was wearing cleats.

The answer, of course, was the most visible and atrocious solution.  My parents told me not to worry.  After all, rec specs were just like glasses–but cooler.  You get to wear them for sports. Take that, kids in my class who assumed I would just join the debate team and not to talk to anybody through junior high.  It turns out I’m not smart enough to be on the debate team, even if I throw a crying temper tantrum at the tryouts.

No, I’m just another one of those normal-looking, visually impaired youths going out for an organized sport.  And its not going to look good to anybody.

Which is why I’m puzzled at how easily Vancy Worley makes rec specs look awesome.

But the awesome didn’t stop just because he stepped out of the Major Leagues.  Vance crept down to Lehigh after getting “demoted” to the minors in order to stay active during the All-Star break.  Ha, ha, ha.  We’re so clever.  I of course would be wary of getting sent down by this wonky, foggy organization with their back room dealings and shady statements.  But I have trust issues from when my grandpa sent me out to turn on the Christmas lights and then dead bolted every door.

Anyways, the point is, the only recreation-spectacled Phillies starting pitching this season threw six shutout evenings and lowered his ERA to 0.88.  Congratulations to him for overcoming the massive social obstacle of poor vision.

Not even Cliff Lee could throw a shut out today.  Maybe if he was half the pitcher Vance Worley is, we would have gotten the win today, but no; Cliff isn’t good enough to be perfect.  He has to make a single mistake and cost us everything.  God, just cut him.  Cut ‘um all.  Then soak the locker room is gasoline and use Vance Worley’s rec specs to magnify the sun and start a fire.  And don’t tell me “There are very obvious differences between Vance and Cliff’s situations,” because I’m not listening.  Ever.

In my defense, it probably helps to be good at the sport you’re trying to play.