Philadelphia Succeeds in Voting Injured Player to All-Star Team


“Vote for me, Shane Victorino, for the All-Star team,” Shane told us, speaking directly into the camera.

“Okay!” we shouted back at our televisions.  Then, we ran to the internet, where these things are done.  There were campaigns.  There were contests.  There were round-the-clock vote-athons at the Tastykake Factory.  There were Hawaiian governors walking around their state asking for votes.  Those are the four main components of getting some elected.  Anything more or less would have ended in disaster.

“Whoops, I fell down in the outfield,” Shane informed us.  “Don’t worry, I’m totally fine.”

“Hmm,” we thought as he boarded a plane to Philadelphia to have his injured thumb examined.  “That doesn’t seem like something a healthy player would do.”

“Ha, ha, I’m fine,” Shane replied.  “Totally fine.  No one look over here.”

“But Shane, that looks like a doctor’s office you’re walking into.”

“This?  What?  No, no, no.  This is a… this is like a… bike shop.  Yeah.”

“Oh, okay!”  **whistling**

So we kept on voting, much to the chagrin of other teams trying to do other things.  “Please, throw us a bone!” they cried.  “Our teams are shitty and our lives are meaningless!”

“Ha, ha, ha,” we said, stepping on their fingers as they clung to the top of a clock tower during a thunderous rain storm.  “Ha, ha, ha.”

The scales were tipped so far in Shane’s direction, the marketing teams at didn’t even bother to come up with some fuck-ass pun to try and make the last few hours cute.  It was Shane’s for the taking.

“Hey, Shane!” we shouted.  “We’re pretty confident that you won!  Congrats!”

“Yeah it hurts when I move it,” Shane told the doctor as he felt his thumb.

“Hey!  That looks like an injury!”

“Hmmm?  Oh, no.  Not even close.  This is like… this a Hawaiian handshake.  Yeah, we just… we say ‘hey, what’s up,’ and then we closely examine each other’s thumbs for four or five minutes before deciding whether or not the other person is allowed to play in a baseball game.  Its a different world over there, I’m telling you.”  **Doctor gives Shane weird look**

“Hey, but thanks for all the votes.  I look forward to representing the Phils in the All-Star Game, like I said.”

“Shane, what the–“


“But Shane you said that–”