AT&T Kindly Invites Phillies Fans to Shut the F*ck Up for a Second


Golf!  A lot of people seem to find it enthralling.  Personally, if I want to yawn with a stick in my hand, I’ll just sleep on my front porch with a shovel to protect my home from feral cats.  At least then I’d be productive.

But golf, whether we embrace it or compare it to horrific animal invasions, is coming to Philadelphia.  And if you, being a standard Phillies fan whose largemouthed buffoonery is akin to a bass that won’t stop loudly explaining how awesome Cliff Lee is, can’t shut up for two seconds while respectable people play a few holes, then AT&T is going to, I don’t know, have you shot.

"“…the AT&T National has teamed with the hometown ballclub to offer steep discounts to loud and proud Phllies fans who will hush up for a bit to attend the tournament at Aronimink.”"

Did you hear that, folks?!  If we’re lucky, we’ll get a $10 discount off tickets–or maybe free tickets altogether, if we wear Phillies gear or bring our ticket stubs from the Red Sox series!  They’re even going to put Thursday’s Phillies game up on a Jumbotron and serve beer at Aronimink golf club so that being in such a civil, regal setting like a golf course doesn’t seem so foreign.

Now, I’m not a fancy big city lawyer, but I am a fancy big city sometimes-criminal, and I can tell you with some confidence that if what you don’t want to happen is a sports riot, then beer and Jumbotron and the color red are the opposite of the things that should be featured.

There will even be “…interactive displays where fans can participate in putting contests,” which sounds to me like a video game tournament–something that usually fails to rile up people’s emotions, especially people who have been drinking.  Really, they’re making it sound like enough fun to let the cats gain some ground for a couple of hours.  This is all part of golf’s plan to convince people it still exists without Tiger Woods’ involvement.

Remember now, AT&T is the company whose titular stadium houses the team that knocked us out of the 2010 playoffs, just in case you need some fodder to become emotionally unstable in a hurry while at this thing.