Charlie Manuel Initiates Public Plea for Right-Handed Batter


It seems as though Charlie Manuel has pulled the plug on the Ben Francisco Experiment, which has been churning out hideous creatures since about May, when the laboratory was almost destroyed by a manic frenzy of fly outs, pop-ups, and weak grounders.  Or however this stupid metaphor was supposed to go.  Just imagine I’d written something that made you nod and go, “Hmm, yes, that’s funny and intelligent,” and we’ll move on.

Yes, the fantasy that Ben would step up and be a tolerable replacement for what was Jayson Werth has wilted and died right in front of us.  The guy just hasn’t produced like we thought he could–I don’t see what’s so hard to meet the demands of people who continuously raise their expectations depending on your current output, but whatever.

Its over.

Chuck signaled the conclusion of the project this week, when he threw himself at the feet of reporters, begging for a consistent right-handed like a mother begging to just see her child again in a movie that stars a sinister-looking character-actor as the kidnapper.

"“You told me if I played the knife-wielding balloon salesman I’d get to play Santa Claus next year!”“We could use a hitter in our lineup – at least one.  We could definitely use a solid righthanded hitter.”–Charlie Manuel"

Granted, this isn’t exactly new information, but Charlie doesn’t seem to be comfortable playing it this close to the chest any longer.  However, Ruben isn’t comfortable saying that there’s money to spend.  Nobody’s comfortable thinking about what we’d be giving up in a deal.  And I’m not comfortable because its so humid outside anything beyond a leisurely stroll leads to violent sweating.