NL East Infection: The Old Man and the Sea
By Justin Klugh
As you’ve read on the internet, the Marlins’ manager ran screaming from the clubhouse. They’ve replaced him with Jack McKeon of 2003 championship team, who sources say is a very old person. How old is he? Jack McKeon is so old:
- When he was born, they were still calling marlins “sea monsters” and hunting them with sharpened sticks.
- He used to watch Julio Franco play stickball.
- He can’t play Oregon Trail without lapsing into PTS and screaming “THEY WERE SO YOUNG, BUT WE WERE SO HUNGRY.”
New York Mets
Here are my favorite parts of an article in Forbes Magazine about David Einhorn and the Mets:
"“Einhorn is a very successful guy and it seems to me that he must be smarter than all the rest of us because he figured out how to basically short this team as he’s shorted a lot of stocks in the past.”“There is no doubt that at some point in the not too distant future the Mets will be worth $1 billion.”“At the very least, Picard wants Wilpon to return $300 million of what the trustee has called ‘fictitious profits.'”"
I certainly didn’t read all of this article, despite a surge of mental energy after eating a bag of candy. But I think all the important parts are in here. Except for that last sentence, which is in there because I pictured Patrick Stewart, in full Starfleet uniform but wearing a Mets cap, demanding fake money from Fred Wilpon.
What I gather from my own misguided assumptions is that David Einhorn has tricked the Mets somehow, most likely with a card game of chance akin to those you see tourists getting swindled by on Brooklyn street corners.
And as long as we’re making gross generalizations, check out what this crazy woman from Long Island did to her kid’s baseball coach! Long Island is that place, of course, where a lot of Mets fans live.
Atlanta Braves
Brian McCann is no Carlos Ruiz, which means he isn’t adorably humble and his nickname isn’t spelled with over 30 vowels in a row. The other big difference is in their All-Star voting. As the Gwinnet Daily Post points out, Brian has a dominant lead in NL catcher votes, and also Jeff Francoeur is 11th amongst AL outfielders in case you were wondering how Jeff Francoeur was doing. Carlos is in a much classier fifth or sixth place.
One look at Brian McCann’s personal website reveals he is one self-centered backstop, with the aggrandizing of his accomplishments and his raising of money to give to sick children.
Washington Nationals
Did you know the Nationals are making a bid to become “America’s Team?” I guess they feel as though they have a right to the label because of their inception in our nation’s capital and them being weirdly awesome of late. Of course, I was born in a hospital, but that doesn’t make me a doctor.
You know, I make a lot of jokes about Jayson Werth acting out like a jilted lover who just discovered how appropriate of a medium Facebook is to express personal feelings. It’s okay though, because I’m professionally funny, it’s all in good fun, and nobody reads this blog anyway. We call that the “Triangle of Success.”
But Jayson Werth makes an awful lot of parallels between his current team and his former team. Now, he’s saying the Nats remind him of the Phillies in 2007; which is great, considering it was just a few weeks ago he was openly calling out the team’s manager for being the manager of a shitty baseball team, which happens to be the shitty team that Jayson Werth plays for.
One of the reasons people don’t read this blog is that we have a hard time constructing the simplest of sentences.