Justin De Fratus Kicks Enough Ass to Receive Ass-Kicking Promotion


Late last night, when all of the Phillies were fast asleep or having their reputation soiled by vicious rumors, Phillies Closer of the Future Justin De Fratus (4-0, 2.10 ERA) hopped on Twitter and left us a tip worth far more than the $0.50 Wilson Valdez would have paid to read it.

After the success of young bloods Michael Stutes and Antonio Bastardo out of the bullpen, its become apparent that the Phillies aren’t merely a geriatric tour bus full of senile pants-poopers.  Not only do they still have the ability to perform after age 30, but some of them aren’t even over 30.  And with his latest promotion from Reading to Lehigh Valley, Justin is one step closer to being a guy named “Justin” on the Phillies.  Which is the same thing as me doing it.

The youth movement is an encouraging sign for a team pegged not too long ago as “…so outrageously enfeebled by the time they were all 30 that there was never, not once, a time during the 2011 season when at least one of them wasn’t unintentionally pooping in their pants.”

The moves in our farm system indicate a blossoming crew of youngsters, as Phillippe Aumont and Cody Overbeck joined De Fratus on the path to Lehigh Valley (a dangerous trip alone, being patrolled by furious Lafayette College football boosters and hideous mutant grapes).

Meanwhile, Brian Gordon’s a Yankee, Nate Bump popped a hamstring, and Eddie Bonine may need Tommy John.  So if you ignore those things, its only good news.