Jimmy Rollins Refuses to Provide Us Every F*cking Injury Detail We Want


Wilson Valdez celebrated his return to the Phillies lineup yesterday in place of “injured” Jimmy Rollins by doing what he does best with a bat:  ruining everything.

So naturally, the press corps turned their attention toward demanding answers from Jimmy Rollins, whose limps in the clubhouse were apparently so well-rehearsed, none of the reporters could figure out if he was faking it or not.

After fouling a ball off his knee, Jimmy described the pain as bad enough to have him begging for the ball not to be hit to him by the third inning, which any doctor will tell you is excellent news for a player who everyone wants to keep playing.Shane Victorino came back, and the chosen ones were assembled.  The papers made a big deal out of it, we all rushed to our televisions, and the sun rose a little earlier to bring us the day even faster, as each of the Phillies’ starters was starting a game for the first time in 2011, and its only June.

“Surely, this road trip will take a positive turn,” the Phillies said, dropping two out of three to the Pirates.

“THIS ANGERS ME,” replied the baseball gods.

And lo, it was thus that Jimmy Rollins was removed from the lineup faster than you can say, “You know what guys? I think everything’s going to be okay.”

Reporters clustered around J-Roll to get the scoop, but he refused to dish it into their mouths.  Classic Jimmy.  Never giving people what they expect.  Unfortunately, Jimmy was also “Classic Phillies” at this point, meaning he was stupidly injured and being vague about the ramifications.

“Write what you see,” he told everybody.

Instead of just saying “What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jimmy?  Come on, help us out.  We’ve got kids to feed, or at least drinking problems to lengthen,” they could not get any details and now we’re trapped in this limbo where we’re not sure if Jimmy’s doing secret cartwheels when the cameras are turned off or if he had a wordless meeting with Charlie Manuel this morning in which Charlie took a rusty pistol out of his desk drawer, placed it on the table in front of J-Roll, and walked out, closing the door behind him.

So, maybe the Jimmy will be back in a few days, or possibly he will ‘disappear’ on ‘forever-paternity leave.’