Series 6-Pack: Ahoy!


Tom Smith of Rum Bunter has a hatred of the Phillies so concentrated, so white hot, and so focused that it is honestly shocking that the Delaware Valley hasn’t been burned off the face of the earth from his hostility alone.  Which isn’t to say he’s a bad guy, just probably capable of blowing shit up with his brain if he thought hard enough.

Naturally, I antagonized him with nattering questions.

1.  Do you have a hunting license, and if not, will your pursue one just for the limited edition Pirates hat and t-shirt for Friday games it would get you?  And do you use your hunting license to hunt people out there in the grizzled, lawless badlands of Western PA? And do you then the eat the people or just torture them?

I have a hunting license in seven states and have held liceses in three foreign countries.  I was in the US Army for ten plus years, so killing, torture, and getting free tees is in my blood, Justin.

2.  We all remember Bryan Bullington, which is to say that no, we don’t.  Nobody does.  How do the Pirates plan on ruining their first round draft pick this time?

We have heard the Pirates are going to say “pass” at least four times and then the finger pointing, and pressure will be off.  Dylan Bundy will be selected and he will immediately enroll at West Point.

3.  Sorry these questions sound so accusative and hostile.  Let’s lighten things up with a softball.  In a recent Pirates pre-game show, Neil Walker said in an interview, “I don’t consider myself very good-looking.”  Do you see his mind-shatteringly low confidence affecting his play now or in the future?

I don’t know how to answer that question.  So….you do or you do not think Neil Walker is hot.  Because I have no idea  (I had no idea thatballsouttahere meant…THAT ball’s outta here.  WOW).  However, Neil’s fiancee is smoking hot.   Not that any of your readers will care about that apparently.

4.  Joe Beimel said recently as he went on the DL, “I want to play until I can’t do it anymore.”  How does it feel to know you will be watching a man pitch until he dies right in front of you?

It’s so easy a caveman can do it Justin.

5.  Looking at the splits of Pirates numbers from day games to night games, there is a dramatic upheaval in batting averages for guys like Diaz, McCutchen, Neil Walker, Garret Jones, and Jose Tabata.  Are the Pirates scared of the dark?  Are they reverse vampires?  Are they solar powered?

We thought everyone knew.  Shit…   Please don’t warn all of the Phillies faithful that will be driving to their death.  What time are you going to post this?  The boys need to feed…

6.  As of 60 seconds from this writing, it was Tweeted that Kyle Kendrick would be the starting pitcher for a game of this series.  How will he fare against the greatest Pirates team of this generation? HINT: Kyle Kendrick is terrible.

Kyle who?  His mound opponent is Electric Stuff, the guy who stole Roy’s look, made it better, and is going to shove it in his eye Saturday night.  You rich boys could send Cy Young to the mound and it wouldn’t matter, the Bucs only need a one spot.