Series 6-Pack: We Play the Braves a Lot


Me and Fred Owens from Tomahawk Take hurled some stones today via email, and we discussed such baseball-centric topics as Ludacris, ballet, and I think we even worked some Hoveround talk in there.  All in all, a lesson in versatility.  Or whatever.

1.  Jason Heyward, Peter Moylan, Alex Gonzalez… will I be seeing you at the bar for an “en memoriam” whiskey shot to your wounded talent, as I’ve been doing for the Phillies since the season started?  Brian Schneider just popped a hammie so I’ll get the first round.

Alex Gonzales – currently the best fielding shortstop in the NL – is healthy and will require only a drink to his superior talent as he robs Phillies of what they believe will be hits. Pete’s having back surgery again so probably a 6 pack of Fosters is appropriate. I’ll decide about Jason after the MRI is released.

2.  Tyler Clippard said that the Nats’ comeback victory over the Braves last night proved Washington is a “…force to be reckoned with.”  Since when did they change the meaning of word “reckoned” to “belittled mercilessly”?

Tyler Clippard is right only in that their franchise (since Montreal days) seems to be able to beat us no matter who we put on the field. Much like the Astros hold the Phillies by the short and curlies even in that pretty new batting cage in Philly. (I do love your ballpark, very nicely done with Ashburn Alley and the statues)

3.  The Braves tend to commit atrocious errors in clusters.  Do you suspect that everyone on the roster has a brain that’s interconnected with the others, while being controlled remotely by Bobby Cox in a mountain cabin?   And the group errors are the result of him sneezing or something?

Braves errors seem to happen when we have just digested lots of Phillies and need a nap. Since it’s a post series thing I wouldn’t count on that happening this weekend.

4.  What do you expect from “Home of the Braves,” the Atlanta Ballet’s performance piece meant to embody the legacy of Braves pitching through the years?

Home of the Braves will draw about the same crowd as a Kansas City Royals Florida Marlins exhibition game in Pawtucket.

5.  What do you think the odds are that Ludacris throws in a quick “Don’t forget to celebrate Civil Rights by going seeFast Five this weekend!” during his performance just after the Civil Rights game on Sunday?

I’m stunned that Ludacris could actually remember lines well enough to be in the movie – not that I’ve seen it or will – I still suspect they had a teleprompter installed in the dash of every car so he would know when to shift.

6.  A writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer recently said Philly fans were becoming “too soft.”  What horrible, inhumane, despicable thing should we do to you to prove him wrong?

When I visited your Park three years ago – the night the Cardinals signed Holliday and it rained buckets most of the game – they beat a fan from a wedding party to death in the parking lot. Just replay that news clip and folks will remember.

1. Do you really want Brad (don’t say Pujols near me) Lidge to come back or would you much prefer Mitch Williams?

Why I’m being forced to choose between the two seems strange, but I guess common sense would dictate that I pick Brad Lidge.  But if I was picking between, you know, current Phillies players, I’d go with Ryan Madson.

2. I can’t believe you were unlucky enough to not sign Jason Werth this winter. Since Amaro Jr. says you’re broke are you having a yard sale to raise money for a trade deadline signing to play the outfield?

Hang on, let me wrap my head around all the flaws in that question.

Okay, ‘unlucky’ is clearly the wrong adjective.  Its not like Ruben lost Jayson’s contract in a dice game.  His deal was up, and he knew he could find better money elsewhere.  For a guy whose career was on the downturn before he came to Philly, that’s quite an accomplishment.  While we weren’t happy to see him go, most of us clearly hold no grudge.  And those who do are punished.

Ruben has claimed we were broke before, then acquired Cliff Lee.  I don’t think he knows the actual definition of the term.  That said, I’d say our big name acquisitions are over for the time being.  But with Domonic Brown (last seen ripping Triple-A pitching in half like a phone book) due to return upon management deeming him worthy, a new outfielder wouldn’t be worth the prospects and/or Joe Blanton we’d trade for him.

Its “Jayson.”  With a “Y.”  As in “Y doesn’t anyone spell his name right?”

3. Are you sure you can’t substitute Cliff Lee for Roy on Sunday. We like Roy, but seeing Cliff  is such a treat?

Hey man, nobody blames you for being scared of Roy Halladay.  Do you want to be the one who tells him he doesn’t get to play?

4. Are you planning to get Raul Ibanez a motorized wheelchair so Victorino doesn’t have to play everyone so far into left center?

The commercials for Hoverounds suggest people require one if they “have trouble getting around,” so if that’s any indication, then yeah, Raul needs one of those.  I just don’t think we have the budget for it.  Then again, Derek Lowe needs a designated driver to get around, but I don’t see the Braves stepping up either.

5. Is it true that Kevin Fransden said JC Steroido was his hero?

I don’t think anybody’s ever heard Kevin Frandsen say anything.

6. As the third oldest roster in baseball do you have plans to overtake the Red Sox and Yankees and gain first place by resigning John Kruk?

Nah, we’re first place in so many other contests already.  No need to get greedy.