All of the Sudden Injured Phillies Are Doing Things


The Phillies have decided that Domonic Brown has been shattering the confidence of Single-A pitchers long enough, and its time to move his disturbing rampage up where it belongs:  Lehigh Valley, PA.

And not only that, but Chase was recently seen running around the bases, his fists raised in the air in jubilation, screaming “CURED!” before tossing free adorable animals to everyone in attendance; but it was just Rich Dubee, so they all wound up in a “meat salad” later that night.

I actually saw video footage of Chase Utley running around, as did anyone else watching Phillies Pregame at the same time as me, so this isn’t like one of those times where things are said that fail to be true.  Or vague responses to specific questions are given and everyone interprets them however they want to, but are let down by the crushing blow of the sinister truth.

That’s right, to get back to my original point, I said “a meat salad.”  I mean, “Chase Utley running around.”

He apparently played what Dubee described as “three innings of work” the other day, and is scheduled to do so several more times.  I’m no doctor, but I’ve never seen a dead man play three innings of baseball.  And while Chase has never been diagnosed as suffering from “death,” it certainly seems to be the only thing that could stop him from playing baseball soon.

Don’t take it from me, take it from Jayson Stark, educated guesser!

"“There is no doubt in my mind that Chase Utley will be back some time this month.”"

That’s like it’s already happened!

Shifting gears from hopeless optimism to the cripplingly depressing downward spiral of an elder statesman, watching Raul Ibanez “hit” is starting to take an emotional toll.  Yes, grandpa, I know you have a car, but haven’t you noticed how people have stopped letting you drive at night, and then in the rain, and then suddenly your car disappeared and you saw Dom Brown driving it a week later?

That was a bit harsh, but when we think about what spot a healthy, possibly productive Dom Brown could fill, it doesn’t blow anyone’s mind when Raul’s name comes up.  If anyone can recall, Dom Brown arrived at the Major League level last season and was unfathomably productive; fulfilling every prophecy, indicating zero weakness, and hitting the ball somewhere new every time.  All opposing players just took a play off when he came to the plate.

“What’s the point?” they’d ask.  “Dom Brown’s just going to do something spectacular.”

In fact, it wasn’t until he broke his hand fist pumping to his own immaculate success that he missed a plate appearance.

So obviously, Dom’s further, faster recovery from an injury also less serious than Chase’s is uplifting through its potential for an offensive boost to the lineup.  So, quick, let’s bring him up to the Majors without even thinking about it.  Works every time.