Epidemic of Vague Mysterious Injuries Continues with Joe Blanton


From an outsider’s perspective, this year, the Phillies have gone from a franchise spending its newfound wheelbarrows of money on some of the best talent in the game to a club willing to test the young arms of its farm system.  Unfortunately, this outsider seems to be ignoring the fact dreams are coming true in Lehigh Valley because of all the nightmares in Philadelphia.

Joe Blanton has fallen victim to a “medical impingement,” with “impingement” being defined by the dictionary as “to make an impression; have an effect or impact  (usually followed by, on or upon).”  So Joe made a bad impression on someone, medically, and now he’s paying for it.  

Why the Phillies feel like they need to start us off with broadest version of player injuries, and then slowly release actual information over the course of several days afterward, I have no idea, but it must be a new team policy to keep us from worrying as long as possible.  Thanks guys.

I know what you’re thinking.  “But Joe was due to start today!  Whose going to… oh no.  Wait.  You can’t seriously tell my that–”

No.  Put those thoughts out of your head.  Remember before when I was babbling about “prospects” and “dreams?”  Well, that’s because Kyle Kendrick is going nowhere near the baseball unless he has to.  That’s also a new Phillies policy.  Probably their best one.

Instead of defaulting to Kendrick, Vance Worley was already in the building last night.  He’ll be slapping on his game goggles for a start tonight, assuming the rest of the Phillies aren’t wiped out by a swarm of viral mosquitoes nesting in the Phanatic Suit.

“PLEASE HELP ME,” the Phanatic tried desperate to communicate as his costume filled with blood.

So congratulate Mike Stutes, Mike Zagurski, Vance Worley,  but not Dane Sardinha because Chooch is okay, as their big 2011 chances are here, apparently; then try to hide that look of dread as you go about your work day, chewing your finger nails off and sneaking quick hits from you desk flask.

If it makes you feel any better, Dom Brown has been convincing Single-A pitchers that they made the wrong career choice for a few days now.

And at least Vance Worley hasn’t been vomiting the past few days like Mike Pelfrey.