Large Ryan Howard Garden Gnome Won’t Come to Life and Kill People


Remember that Ryan Howard garden gnome that felt a little too “Grandma’s Racist Antique Trinket” to actually display on a lawn?  Also because lawn gnomes are just a recipe for some kind of horror movie formula where they come to life?  I mean, why not just get a couple of flamingos on sticks.  When an ancient curse brings them to life, all they’ll do is preen confusingly around your yard while being seriously endangered.

But yeah, remember that garden gnome?  Well, the Reading Phillies made it even BIGGER!  And better yet, they want you to have it!The gnome is in question is about as tall as one of your kids, but weighs probably around a hundred pounds more, unless you are a rhinoceros, in which case, congratulations on learning how to read.

Yes, it seems that the $10 million in extensive renovations to FirstEnergy Stadium just weren’t enough for the Reading Phillies marketing department.  No, if they were truly going to put some asses in the seats, they’d need a blown up version of a thing we all laughed at and forgot about.

The giant gnome appeared within the stadium on Wednesday, presumingly because it was delivered, and not because it came to life at night and crept in all by itself to start systematically murdering sexy teenage fans one by one.  Why would that happen?

…is exactly what people who get slaughtered in the first scene ask.

Oh, and the best part is that even the people who don’t win the possibly cursed statue all receive a smaller version of the same statue.  Will the pocket-sized handouts become murderously self-aware at the same time as the giant gnome, or will they merely act as its vessels during its horrible rampage?

I have convinced myself that yes they will.

Who knows.  Both sound equally awful.