Ryne Sandberg to Mercilessly Monitor Ironpigs


Ryne may have only played 13 games in a Phillies uniform, but we are now hoping he will manage several hundred in one again after a 29 year sabbatical on which he played in 10 consecutive All-Star Games and became a legend/hero to millions.  Now that it’s time to get back to work for Ryne, let’s hope he’s got all those self-aggrandizing triples and Gold Gloves out of his system and can finally focus on what’s important:  The success of our close to major league ready talent and rehabilitating veteran players.Imagine having to go to work every day knowing your progress would be carefully monitored by Hall of Fame second baseman Ryne Sandberg.  There you are, typing away in your cubicle, as the silent stare of the 1984 National League MVP hits the back of your neck.  “You’ll never be good enough,” you’re pretty sure he whispers, but chances are that’s just the voice of your father that’s always echoing around in your head.

Regardless of your paternal issues, there’s Ryne Sandberg, wearing a dashing pair of shades and waiting to be shown what the hell you’re doing on his team.  If you’re successful, maybe you’ll achieve such greatness as former Ironpig Nelson Figueroa, who just barely got a job on the Houston Astros starting rotation.  If you fail, then you get to go home to your humiliated family and tell them how, just like with the lemonade stand in second grade and the lemonade stand again after college.

Instead of a trophy, you have Ryne Sandberg’s head shaking in shame seered onto your memories.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD, RYNE SANDBERG!!” you wake up screaming every night since.  You turn to your right for support from your doting wife, only to realize that she left you months ago.  For Ryne Sandberg.

So it’s a delicate line, these prospects walk; wanting only to make it to The Show, but knowing every dropped pop-up or swing and a miss could dissect them from the fanatsies of their youth, slap them in the face, and hurl them back into the endless mundane drudgery of a life neck-deep in embarrassment.

Good luck 2011 Ironpigs!!