Divisional Recourse: Sloppy, Sloppy Bryce-Love


Washington Nationals

Bryce and his affinity for exclamation points are apparently headed to the minors to engage in “Beast Mode,” which I assume has to do with a full moon and waking up in the equipment shed covered in cow’s blood.  Somebody should really put an end to that, but whatever, I assume Nationals management has control over the situation.

The latest issue of Washington Post Magazine paints a fresh portrait of the lad.  The son of a blue collar, rebar-chucking casino-builder, we learn in the cover story that Bryce once accompanied his father to a work site, got bored, and demanded to leave six hours early.  Then I stopped reading after Dave Sheinin described Bryce’s relationship with our nation’s capital as “…silly, giddy, sloppy, head-over-heels love.”  Ha, ha, yeah.  America’s great.

Sadly, D.C.’s “sloppy love” of their second coming of [some legendary National prior to the current era] will be put on hold.  The youngster, after heaving at a pair of hacks at breaking balls and then getting struck in the shoulder with a pitch in his final at bat, was sent to Single-A Hagerstown; where the locals wasted no time welcoming the train wreck.

New York Mets

If there’s anything I feel for the coverage New York sports fans receive, its pity.

"“Other than St. John’s march to the NCAA tournament, the past seven days have been a lousy week to be a sports fan in New York.”–Johnette Howard, ESPN New York"

Seven entire days?  I think at that point we can skip the terms usually reserved for temporal measurement and just start calling it a “Living Hell” or “Unwaking Nightmare.”  Can you imagine trying to live beyond seven days in a region with less than 40 professional and semi-pro teams?  I may vomit.

You probably can, though.  Because you don’t live in New York; you live in a place that ESPN didn’t deem cool enough to receive their coverage on a more individual level (“BUT HOW WILL WE KNOW WHAT 2 WATCH 4?!?”)

Fortunately, even New York will tell you that the Mets barely count anymore.  That hasn’t stopped them from setting a standard for their team, though.  Apparently, 1-1 and a 9.00 ERA just isn’t good enough to make the Mets rotation anymore, and such grotesque statistics recently had Oliver Perez transplanted from the contingent of prospective starters to the lefty specialist competition in the bullpen.  He took his new assignment without flipping out or going bankrupt; two of the better known “Mets reactions to things” to date.  But his troubles paled in comparison to the impossibly hectic weekend held by fellow not-in-the-rotation pitcher Johan Santana.

The New York Daily News reports that Johan’s weekend was “frenzied” because he hosted a party and then opened a Twitter account.  The man certainly has my sympathies.  I spent a decent part of my morning leafing through a magazine and planning a celebration of the anniversary of my cat’s death.  I think I’ve earned the rest of the week off.  At least Johan knows what Twitter is for: having fun! Well, as much fun as 140 unspoken characters allow; and along with his friends “United Airlines” and “New Balance,” he didn’t waste any time!  Woo hoo!  PARTY!!

Wait, you didn’t let me finish before that impromptu Twitter-party exploded across the internet.  The NY Daily News also reported that his stressful, jam-packed weekend continued with his birthday, which he celebrated by uncovering a conspiracy that exists solely to doubt his abilities.

Florida Marlins

Maybe when the Marlins let Dan Uggla go to the Braves, they thought he was going to stop being a thick slab of North Kentucky thunder.  They were wrong, says the Palm Beach Post.  As someone accustomed to seeing a blinding chunk of bias in his headlines, I was surprised to see this angle of regret taken up by a Floridan piece of media.

“It was hard leaving that team,” Dan Uggla reportedly said, his voice getting more muffled with every word as he yelled it over his shoulder while actively running away from the Marlins’ clubhouse.

And now, Uggla is seering the ball at Spring Training, leaving the Marlins to look Omar Infante and Mike Dunn up and down with looks of feigned enthusiasm.  Michael Jong, whose infamy of Marlins-related intelligence has become so renown there’s actually a doppelganger of him skulking around Twitter, had this to say on the Marlins’ haul in the face of their stegasaurus-sized hole in the lineup without Uggla.

"“Dunn is exactly the type of guy who either succeeds greatly in the majors or flames out miserably, because his skillset is one of the most volatile among relievers in the game.”“Infante is a pretty good player despite the type of skillset that screams “’contact hitter that runs out every ball.’”"

Those are two pretty mediocre things to say!

That said, the Marlins’ rotation is getting shelled.  The ease with which their baseballs are being rocketed into the stratosphere has not spoiled the hopes of every fan, mind you–some would even say that their starters are still better than the Phillies.

Atlanta Braves

"“In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man’s torments.”–Friedrich Nietzsche"

"“I’m the kind of guy, I just want to get better every year.”—Brooks Conrad"