Jamie Moyer Hates the Idea of Baseball Without Him


If you thought phrases like “retirement,” “prime,” or “If you go out there, you’ll die” ever entered Jamie Moyer’s head, then just log off of the internet and trap yourself in your study until you qualify as a creepy recluse, because you are worthless to society.

Jamie Moyer wants to retire about as badly as you want to choke to death on a sandwich.  Already targeting 2012 as his comeback year, Jamie is one of those friendly gentlemen who ends a lot of sentences with “…you’ll see… YOU’LL ALL SEE, AH-HAHAHA!

I mean, he only had Tommy John surgery in December.  He got through four surgeries last winter and still pitched two complete games, one of them shut outs, at the age of 47.

Do I need to even tell you how old Jamie is anymore?  Even if you don’t know exactly what the number is, you know he’s pretty much defined by his “oldness.”  Which sucks, because if you look closely, you can see there’s an entire person underneath the multitude of stigmas attached to his age.  But he’s often thought of as another operation on the surgical schedule with the occasional comparison to Freddy Garcia.

My point is, it would take more than the rearrangement of Jamie’s muscles to stop him.  I’m beginning to think it would take more than a rampaging bull moose with a specific hatred of children or the collective vengeful relatives of all 144 batsmen Jamie’s hit with a pitch to stop him from taking the mound.

So, in the mean time, he’s going to be showing up on MLB TV and not watching the Phillies.  Sitting in the stands and spectacting with the rest of us would, I imagine, be as disturbing as watching your shadow perform a variety of activities that you yourself are clearly not doing.  So he’s not doing that.  Fortunately, he’s got a personality that’s great for TV.  “Electrifying” is probably not the best word, but “knowledgeable” and “sponge-brained” certainly work.

Soon enough, it will be 2012, and the earth will be ripping itself in half and cars will be raining from the skies.  I will either be drunk on the continued elation of Phillies success or plotting a suicidal jewel heist after being driven into the criminal underworld because of Phillies failure.  But Jamie Moyer will be making an epic return; and to what better rotation than one with an already epic set of names?  Should the experiment be a failure (If the Phillies are even interested), then Jamie can move on to performing exceedingly well at some other facet of life for a really, very long time (Personally, I’d love to see him come on staff as a pitching coach/instructor of immortality).

But I guess we’ll see.  WE’LL ALL SEE.  AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Glass breaking, series of raucous explosions*