Your Daily Horrible News About Chase Utley


Morning routines are fun!

-Wake up

-Shake last remnants of night terrors out of head

-Turn on Sportscenter

-See Josh Elliot’s face, scream brief tirade of horrific profanity at television

-Record outburst in “Outburst Journal” for rage-therapy

-Head to kitchen, glare suspiciously at mascot on generic Cheerios box because he looks like character I once doodled in college

-Open internet, read latest story on the destruction of Chase Utley, and by proxy, the Philadelphia Phillies

-Realize sliding glass door was left open the night before and living room now flooded with rain water/stray cats

-Leave house, assuming all problems will be fixed by the time I return in several hours

Yes, Terrible Chase Utley News has officially become a part of my day.  By now, you’ve heard: his body is too strong for cortisone shots to be effective.  Like an intoxicated barfly, Chase’s knee spat the cortisone injection it was offered back in the doctor’s face and demanded a real drink.

It was only a matter of time before modern science fell significantly behind Chase Utley.  The Phillies current strategy to fix one of their franchise players is “not surgery,” which leaves the door open for all kinds of theories and procedures and stray cats to get in.  One of the other plans is to start flirting with other second basemen entirely.

Naturally, we’ve begun skulking around Michael Young’s hang outs; calling his house at all hours of the night and hanging up; tailing him in black sedans with tinted windows; and leaving cryptic ciphers embedded in the local newspaper headlines knowing he is the only one who can decode them.

Sure, the Rangers may not be thrilled if we were to insinuate that one of their star, beloved players would rather be scraped from their bowels and placed into a replacement role on our own squad.  Before when this concept was tossed out there, nobody was there to catch it, and it quietly fell out of the air and into a pond of forgotten theories with a gentle splash.  Now, with Chase damaged, we consider it with less of an evil, maniacal laugh, and more of a nervous, desperate chuckle.

Our agent in the field, Charley Kerfeld, is already putting the wheels in motion by being spotted scouting the Rangers with increased fervor.  Is Michael Young the answer?  Only if the question is, “Who would theoretically be a better than good replacement for our crippled All-Star second baseman, assuming cyborg leg attachments are out of the realm of possibility?”  And that is probably not the question.