Divisional Recourse: I Just Really Hate That Kid


Atlanta Braves

It amazes me when professional people maintain their composure, even in the face of unwarranted hostility.  If faced with someone like me, I would not hesitate to break a folding chair over my spine.  It just seems like the only way out of some situations.  And when Fredi Gonzalez was forcibly detached from the Florida Marlins last year due in part to he and Hanley Ramirez’s differing opinions on the speed at which a baseball should be pursued, he had every reason to slowly reach for the nearest folding chair.

As the second winningest manager in Marlins history (third if you count Cookie Rojas’ gem of a 1-0 record) and a guy known to really care about his players, it did not seem entirely logical on the part of Marlins ownership.  But Fredi went without a tantrum–though we’ve heard now that he did call new manager Edwin Rodriguez every morning for a few weeks, just in case he needed some help.  Which is I guess is a healthier way of dealing with things.

Its clear the Braves skipper is now slouch, and refuses to allow anything to distract him or his team, even when they are up against his old one.  So let’s suit up, get out there, and play some distraction-free baseball.  Watch out for the tens of thousands of bees.

Washington Nationals

Just in case it was still debatable, Bryce Harper let us all know recently: Yup, he is going to be that kind of guy.

"“I’ve been hearing it since I was in college, high school, it doesn’t get old because I love it, I love hearing it.  I love people saying all that kind of stuff about me. I like all the bad stuff.”"

Bryce is responding to the chants of “Over-rated!” being shouted at him by people in Space Coast Stadium, just before he hit a rally-starting double against the Astros.  He doesn’t go on to explain why he finds the “bad stuff” so enthralling.  Is he overcompensating in a retort to his haters; that he doesn’t just block them out, he actually embraces their hate?  Or is he somebody that chokes himself in his spare time?  It’s got to be one of only those two things.

The Nationals’ other teddy bear, Nyjer Morgan, is being prodded into going crazy as well.  They know its in there, and given his latest struggles, it can’t be far from the surface.  But Nyjer seems to be taking the uncommon route of “calm, measured responses.”  Both he and Jim Riggleman have been gentle in their answers to inquiries regarding Nyjer’s job security.  The thing is, the Nationals spent so much effort trying to rewire all of this out of their center fielder, in hopes that he spends no time in 2011 with Gaby Sanchez’s forearm in his trachea.

New York Mets

Who even wants to look at the Mets right now.  The Mets are like watching Kramer vs. Kramer but just hating the kid the whole time.  It’s not his fault that his parents’ marriage is crumbling before his very eyes, but he’s such a mop-topped little whiner you want to just… just… kick him into the dryer.  I should probably stop doing blog posts with Turner Classic Movies on in the background.

Anyways, who wants to buy the Mets? Also, who wants to buy this sinkhole in my basement?  Just go ahead and chuck your money right the hell down it.  It makes a cool “sucking” sound; like a vacuum cleaner missing some key components.  Jeff MacGregor makes some really good points.  What I mean is, he makes some really impassioned points.  You can tell because of all the one-sentence paragraphs he uses to get his point across.

Like this.

And this.

Did you pause dramatically in your brain as you read that?  If yes, you could be talked into buying the Mets by Jeff MacGregor.

In all seriousness, the Mets are probably going to be bought by the guy who invented Flowers.com.

Florida Marlins

Are you one of those people who’ve got all that money and can travel down to Florida for Spring Training?  Well, don’t tell me if you are, because you’ll probably end up joining the kid from Kramer vs. Kramer in my sinkhole.

If you did make it down there, rest assured, those of us still quarantined up north are jealous every second of every day.  But luckily, someone’s put together a list of restaurants you should check out.  Right in the Marlins’ wheelhouse, they recommended Jetty’s, a local eatery that’s all about skewering fresh sea monsters and hurling them onto your table.  I was hoping they served Marlin, but the restaurant employee I just got off the phone with who clearly didn’t understand the hilarity of such a notion said the closest thing they had was swordfish.  So there goes that joke.

Not a joke is calling Mike Piazza a “former Marlin,” as Juan Rodriguez did, fondly recalling those majestic five games in 1998 that Piazza wore the iconic medium sea green shades of Marlin lore.  Piazza is apparently all about living in Miami and talking about living in Miami, as well as getting people excited about hearing him talk about living in Miami.

"“I’m really excited being a Miamian. It’s going to be great for the city and the fans obviously. A couple of cynical people have asked me, ‘Do you think it’s going to get more fans?’ I said, ‘Absolutely.’"

Anyone whose even toying with the concept of seeing more baseball fans at a baseball game in Florida sounds like the furthest thing from a cynic there is.  With all the unbridled enthusiasm and fervor of an independent book store at closing time, the crowds at Sun Life Stadium would hardly indicate that someone unsure of local folks’ interest in the sport would qualify as a “cynic.”  More like a “realist.”  Of the “mayor.”

Unless Mike Piazza is the mayor of Miami.  I didn’t really research this at all.