Jayson Werth Still Has His Pride; No Beard


As he sat there, shifting uncomfortably and stupidly beardless, a small conclave of unshaven rebellion gathering in the middle of his chin, Jayson presented an argument brought to you by his own decisions and the Washington Nationals PR Department:  The Nats are going to be good.  Some day.

"“No one has won any games or lost any games this year.”–Jayson Werth"

Of course, when the number one reason for your team’s contention is that they haven’t had the time to lose any games yet, you can’t be surprised if Vegas is still setting the odds pretty low.

Jayson’s correct analysis of the MLB schedule opened the door for a wide variety of statements from our boy, who kindly referred to Philadelphia as “a place” during the interview.  Thanks, Jayson!  As explained prior, just because you leave a city doesn’t mean that the city stops existing.  But you know that.  With all that money, you probably know everything.

The Nationals are clamoring for attention, and along with the cartwheels the Orioles pulled off this winter, they’ve given the corpse of baseball on the Beltway a pulse.  Of course, preseason player-predictions tend to land in three areas: “We’re going to be satisfied with nothing less than the playoffs,” “I think we’re going to surprise some people,” and “No one has won or lost any games yet this year.”  And no matter what is said, any of these statements are, in fact, meaningless, like Jayson’s face without a beard: Empty, and without the edge that made it so appealing.

“There are some things most people don’t really know about these guys in here,” Jayson explained, possibly insinuating that a murderer or two is taking up residence in the Nationals clubhouse.  This would explain why the Rule 5 pick we plucked from Washington is begging not to be sent back, like a guy who has braced himself between an open air lock and a swift boot.

It’s not that we’re jealous of the Nationals getting to enter a rebuilding phase, which could lead to unfamiliar success that revitalizes their city.  It’s more as if we’re unfairly bitter of the situation that took him from us.  But whatever happens, I wish Jayson the best, and he, as per usual, will not be aware that I exist, and even if he did, he’d leave me in a heart beat to spend the next seven years cheering up some other chronically depressed friend for a bunch of money.

“I’m planning on winning as many World Series as possible,” he explains.

Step 1: Sign with the Washington Nationals.