Phillies Tickets on Sale and No You Cannot Have Any

Single game tickets went on sale today, but oh shit they’re all gone; looks like you were too slow, you fat slob.

Phillies fans continue to suck up tickets like they provide some sort of life-giving chi.  People even resorted to the time-honored tradition of sleeping outdoors, or talking about the Phillies rotation while they waited patiently.  This city has a long history of people assembling outdoors, and it’s not always for a good reason.  Remember when the teenagers were attacking in groups? Felonies for everyone!

But the calming sense of baseball, coupled with the recent oasis of higher temperatures from the thankless winter chill permanently installed at the base of our spines, brings out the best in people.  Or the worst, if you’re against tens of thousands of people drunk on elation or misery, depending on the score.

People don’t even know why they’re buying tickets.  The name “Cliff Lee” doesn’t mean “awesome pitcher,” or “lost love” to everybody.  It’s a phrase that, when uttered, causes Philadelphians to sit up in bed and blindly order tickets as if under a spell.

Keep buying those tickets, so that the Phillies can keep making shocking free agent signings that give you reasons to live throughout the frigid, unforgiving winter seasons.