5 Answers for the Phillies


As we get closer and closer to Phillies baseball, like bitter husbands tailing their ex-wifes in a wood paneled mini van, everyone is ready to toss questions out there, hoping the coming months bring answers.  In one form or another, they will.  But what about those of us who want answers now?  I can’t wait an entire baseball season to figure things out.  So today, we present to you the answers to all of your Phillies questions that have been ravaging the blogosphere.

1.  Ben Francisco, Domonic Brown, John Mayberry.

What it answers:

Who will play right field?

It’s a “platoon,” people.  That’s the “tag team” of baseball.  It requires most/all of them.

2.  No.

What it answers:

Is Chase Utley Declining?

Are the Phillies too old?

Is the Phillies rotation too old?

Will everyone know I’m being ironic if I run on the field on Opening Day?

Does Charlie Manuel’s unsolved contract mean he’s fired?

Does the new giant HD big screen make my nipples look normal-sized?

3.  Hopefully somewhere cramped and windowless.

What it answers:

Where does Kyle Kendrick fit into all of this?

Where does Danys Baez fit into all of this?

4.  I don’t know, like a million.

What it answers:

How many runs will that offense be able to provide for that rotation?

5.  Who cares.

What it answers:

Sure, the Phillies have a great rotation, but how long will it last past this season?

My name is Something Somethingerson.  I recognize that the Phillies look great, but I won’t stop saying phrases like “on paper” and “not so great,” and I say that I have a problem with all of this blah blah blah blah blah why isn’t my team very good I wish my wife hadn’t left me damn it.

I don’t like that Phillies fans update their Facebook feeds.