Phillies Continue Streak of Sellout Games in January, Somehow


I guess people forget that after the Phillies acquired Cliff Lee, fans would want to, you know, see him.  As soon as possible.  Him, and the three wild-eyed starters behind him.  And the lineup full of All-Stars that have served as our superheroes for the past five years.

And so, Phillies fans have stumbled upon that age old secret that in order to see a pro baseball team, you must have tickets for the game, or at least a job in the stadium that allows free access to Shane Victorino’s locker, if you’re a good liar.

Since the Phillies don’t play until April, we’re forced to turn our dangerous addiction to Phillies baseball toward Spring Training exhibition games.  They may not matter to you, but to us, they are the first page of the Phillies’ 2011 novel, which is entitled “Seriously, Phuck Off:  The Greatest Rotation Ever.”

These are the games that will make up the footage of 2011’s DVD yearbook.  So it’s no surprise that we are all trying to make ourselves a part of them.

“Six of the Phillies’ 15 Grapefruit League games at Bright House Field are sold out or very close to selling out,” reported the Phillies’ VP of ticket sales John Weber.  “These people can’t be stopped.  My phone rings at every hour of the day and night, and it is always, always a ticket order.  Once it was the animal hospital, telling me my cat had slipped back into her coma, but other than that, just Phillies fans that are for some reason always shouting.”  [EDITOR’S NOTE: He only really said that first part about the tickets selling out.]

Besides, it’s a frigid wasteland up here in the northeast right now.  Let’s get the hell out of here as fast as/for any reason possible.