Phillies Laugh Maniacally While Arranging Fight to the Death

Like a sadistic father making his children combat each other gladiator-style for his love, the Phillies have set up a game between the Double-A Reading Phils and the Triple-A Ironpigs.

Fortunately, both minor league affiliates will be playing baseball, not jabbing at each other with forks after Thanksgiving dinner, as is usually the custom.“Much like in previous years, this is a great day for Reading Phillies, Philadelphia Phillies and Lehigh Valley IronPigs fans,” reports the Reading Phillies’ GM Scott Hunsicker, clearly unaware of the sanguinary baseball cannabalism set to take place in the land of the ‘Pigs April 5.

All ticket proceeds go to Ironpig charities, which you are probably incorrect to assume are all involved with pigs’ rights somehow.

What’s most notable, though you’ve probably suspected a factoid like this for some time now, is that the Reading Phillies are tied with the Lakeland Whatevers for longest-affiliated Minor League Club at 45 years.  Sure, the actual Phillies have been around for over a century, but do you know how often these teams change names and locations?

You could be leading off for the Daytona Lawn Sprinklers one season, and six months later you’re hitting clean up for the South Jersey Spider-Cats (After that ill-fated stint as the Moab Moviefilms).  Why you dropped positions in the lineup is beyond me.  Maybe take that bat off your shoulder, rook.  *Spits tobacco on your shoe*

If you’re interested in history lessons, the Ironpigs won the inaugural version of this contest 6-2 in 2008; then the R-Phils demanded vengeance via a 7-5 victory the next year, and the ‘Pigs came squealing back with a 3-2 win in 2010.

Tickets are cheap!  Take one peek at MLB Phillies tickets and tell me you wouldn’t get excited about forking over a mere $6 to watch our best and brightest beat up on each other.  BRING ON THE PAIN.