Phillies Hilariously Screwed as Nationals Sign Jayson Werth
By Justin Klugh
Yes, in a bit of news so important that I had to finish that last post before it was funny, Jayson Werth has signed with the Washington Nationals. So why don’t we start this off with a joke that uses all the hilarity I didn’t get to use 12 minutes ago while making fun of Domonic Brown’s probably at least somewhat serious illness.
Q: What do you get when you combine Jayson Werth and a seven-year, $126 million deal with the Nationals?
A: No first round draft pick in 2011!!
*Pause for insane laughter*
Oh, mercy. I’m sure this will seem less comically awful in mid-July, when Jayson Werth is hitting walkoff home runs off Scott Mathieson. But right now, we can all… react… in some way… to this news.
Why this is good: Jayson was a bench player, decided to be awesome, made a video tape of his own awesomeness, handed it to Charlie Manuel, got a starting position, made the All-Star team, stole home, screamed at a guy in front of his kid, got a World Series ring, and became the sexual fantasy of face-hair fetishists, city-wide.
Why this is bad: Oh my god he doesn’t play for us anymore, and we still have to see him all the time because he’s still in division, and we need a right-handed power hitter, and the first round draft pick we were expecting no longer exists because the Nationals are too terrible.
Why this is good for the Phillies: *sound of an empty bucket falling down a flight of steps*
Via Twitter over the last hour, the “Race To Be Okay With The Latest Thing That Will Make Everyone Mad At Least A Little Bit” is on as thousands attempt the high road, congratulating Jayson, grateful for his contributions and wishing him luck almost immediately. Some are in gaping awe at the deal itself. Others are furious.
Wrong! The correct emotion is: “Sad Resentment.” Of course, there’s a dosage of “Morbid Concern” shot in there thanks to Dom Brown coming back early from Winter Ball on account of “sluggishness.” So blend those two together and you get something in the realm of “Brooding Envy.” Anyways, the Philadelphia fanscape is rife with debate on many fronts, so let’s all take the rest of the afternoon to sit back and casually hate this.