A Phillies Coach from the Future Speaks to Brandon Moss
By Justin Klugh
Brandon Moss is another player the Phillies have invited to Spring Training who has former team blogs much more elated than you would think they would be upon losing some player deemed good enough to play for the Phillies (See also: Motor City Bengals).
Makes you wonder… what they’re up to…
*Looks thoughtfully out window facing Pittsburgh while clutching loaded revolver*
Well! No matter; we’re months from any real consquences, so why not just use the fall and winter for all that endless anxiety I need to catch up on? I’m sure Brandon has no role in that, so let’s just sit back and enjoy him.
Spring Training, March 2011
Clearwater, FL
Hey, Brandon. Welcome to the drunken, violent warzone of Clearwater.
Outfielder, huh? There’s a lot of you cartwheeling around here. At least there were once. With Dom Brown at his court date for accidentally trampling Jeff Francoeur to death and Werth, in a weird twist, winding up on the Phoenix Coyotes, you’re our right fielder, I guess. But that’s enough exposition.
Did you know you and Craig Hansen were the middle cog in a deal bookended by Manny Ramirez and Jason Bay? Don’t you want to apologize for that?
Sorry.
But if you ever manage to play in Citizens Bank Park, just watch your back because they will throw their feces at you for being J.D. Drew’s replacement in a game that didn’t affect the Phillies over two years ago in another country. It’s just that your name appeared in an article with Drew’s, and that’s all it really takes to… I know it’ll suck, but you’re a pro ball player and you’ve got to learn how to deal with these types of every day things. I suggest an umbrella.
They say you failed to blossom in Pittsburgh, so maybe this “free lunch” of a hitter’s park will do you some good. Or something. Anyways, if you can hit here at Bright House Field, you can probably hit in Citizens Bank Park, distance wise, except that the air will be filled with, as I said, feces.
So I’m hearing you were the cock of the walk in Indianapolis. Team leader in all the sexy categories. Led the International League in RBIs. Good for you. I’ll bet you think you can have any job you want out here. Just so you know, “gruff, anonymous coach” is already taken.
Whoa! You hit the Major Leagues 26 times in 2010 and your numbers transmogrified into piles of hot shit. .154/.185/.192?! Get off my field. I’m sorry, come back. Look, truth is, you may not ever get out of Lehigh Valley. Your recent time in the majors kind of makes me ill to look at, statistically.
But I was up all night reviewing a slow motion video of your hit mechanics that exists for some reason.
Some commenter called you the “future of the franchise,” and I can’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not. And you are not “throngs of sobbing baseballs fans,” so I’m not sure why that label applies to you. My point is, the mechanics seem to be in there, you just aren’t surfacing them in the Show recently. We’d love for you to be a part of this seven-man outfield we’re cooking up, so get some BP in, then go track down Shane–I think he’s in the clubhouse somewhere, being a role model for children–he’ll want to meet you. He likes to meet all of his “wing men.” His phrasing.
I’ll be waiting by Dom’s locker if you need me. His is the last autograph I need before I can quit.
…
Don’t tell anyone I said that.