GM Meetings Are One White Knuckle Thrill Ride After Another

"“… there may be some guys out there in January or even into February who might be able to help us.  I just have a feeling that sometimes patience pays off and, in this case and this year, it may very well…”"

OH–MY–SWEET BEJEEZUS RUBEN’S COOKIN’ UP SOMETHIN’ GOOD.

"“…even though I’m not a very patient person.”–Ruben Amaro in the Philly Inquirer"

HEH HEH HEH YEAH THIS IS GONNA BE WAIT WHAT does that mean.

“There are good things to be had should we choose to wait for them, but hey, I may very well shoot holes in the boat until I run out of bullets,” is my summation of the above comments.  Ruben is… Ruben is… Ruben is sneaky.  He’s crafty.  He’ll lead you in one direction, then sign Ryan Howard until he’s well into his 30s.

What?  He’s already in his 30s?

This is the man who brought us Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay, and it would take an awful lot of roundabout finger wagging to try and yell at him for getting us to the NLCS three years in a row and the World Series twice.  Sure, maybe the future will be terrifying.  But that’s going to happen pretty definitely regardless, so why not experience it wearing red pinstripes?

The GM and owners meetings kick off this week in Orlando, and if you are one of those ignorant people who think a bunch of suited zillionaires collecting air in a room together, throwing around godless sums of money and farting out of their mouths isn’t going to end in something wildly entertaining, then you are quite presumptuous, mister.

"“I don’t expect to get anything accomplished here this week.”–Yankees GM Brian Cashman"

Mmmm, excellent.

The issues of the day will be touched upon, I’m sure, but we’ve been waiting so long for some kind of response to instant replay and the like that why the hell would that get resolved now?  The owners have more important things to do, like revenue sharing, or adding that sexy new playoff spot to each league.  Yeah!

Ruben has reminded us that the bullpen is still priority one.  Yeah, good.  Extremely in depth analysis will show that the Giants had a pretty decent pitching staff that enjoyed taking a dump on our hopes and dreams this year, so I’m totally with him on this one.

Long and short of it is, Ruben and Cashman aren’t the only mofos tripping down to Orlando for strictly some mid-Autumn jaw sessions.  This appears to be about laying groundwork, or just talking shit out.  Ruben wasn’t breathing a word any which way regarding anything from free agents in general to Chad Durbin’s role in all this.

Now, the big question is, is former Florida State League All-Star Scott Boras wandering around at these meetings?  And the answer is yes, of course, on a golf cart made out of titanium and fueled by innocence.

Apparently Boras and Ruben haven’t so much as made eye contact in forever, which is hilarious, given the openness they both seemed to share regarding Jayson Werth just a few weeks ago, and also because of this, in which Ruben expresses his desire to not allow this whole Werth debacle to drag on for all eternity.

In summation, we, like an 8th grade health video, can ask “What’s going on down there?”  And, like the awkward, uncaring response of health teacher Mr. Delazio, we get a simple “Nothing.  Leave me alone,” in response.

Come on!  Part of the fun of being outsiders in all this is the sheer terror we live on, knowing anything can happen at any moment.

Like hey!  Why don’t we just fucking trade Chase Utley to the Dodgers, a move that the author of that linked article calls “… the most logical option I’ve heard this off season.”

Well, that’s impossible, unless you were comatose for every second since the World Series ended, awoke for just a fraction of a moment, in which someone whispered some crazy in your ear, and immediately descended back into unconsciousness.