The Resume of Jamie Moyer


Apparently, it’s a recession, and that is why those of us who are unemployed are having a hard time finding work, not because of being drunk or lazy or having Phillies blogs.  But Jamie Moyer may find himself amongst the ranks of the unemployed very soon, and therefore, will be in need of an updated resume.  I took the liberty of performing the service for him, since he will probably be too busy having a 76 mph temper tantrum.

NOTE TO JAMIE: I couldn’t find any details regarding your career at Souderton Area High School, so I just threw in some Notorious B.I.G. lyrics I thought were probably accurate.  You’re welcome.


2426 32nd Ave W
Seattle WA, 98199



Souderton Area High School, Souderton, PA

A terror since the public school era; Bathroom passes, cutting classes, squeezing asses

Saint Joseph’s University, Philadelphia, PA

One of three original St. Joe’s Baseball Hall of Fame inductees, being drafted by professional baseball team


June 1986-Dec. 1988: Starting Pitcher, Chicago Cubs

Throwing first shut out, ranking 10th in NL in SO, starting against Greg Maddux in his ML debut

Dec. 1989-Nov. 1990Starting Pitcher, Texas Rangers

Hanging out on disabled list, clawing back into rotation from bullpen, being released almost instantly

Jan. 1991-Oct. 1991: Starting Pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals

Making seven starts, being kicked into minors

Dec. 1992-Dec. 1995:  Starting Pitcher, Baltimore Orioles

Getting new career-low ERA, striking, once again clawing out of bullpen into rotation

Jan. 1996-July 1996: Starting Pitcher, Boston Red Sox

Packing bags for Seattle

July 1996-Aug. 2006:  Starting Pitcher, Seattle Mariners

Having best W-L% in MLB, getting to post season, injuring self once more, winning 100 games, striking out 1000 people

Aug. 2006-Oct. 2010: Starting Pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies

Being oldest pitcher to record win ever, winning World Series, winning 250 games, ripping several muscles in half, being 8th guy in history to play baseball in four decades


  • Beat Steve Carlton in Major League debut
  • Cannot stop
  • Journalists love uniquely nostalgic intersecting with Phillies throughout personal history from growing up in area, making Major League debut against them, and winning World Series
  • 1998 Seattle Mariners Pitcher of the Year
  • 22nd all time in hitting men with baseballs
  • Impregnated Digger Phelps’ daughter eight times
  • National blank stare champion
  • Also, World Series Champion
  • Seriously, will not stop, even when begged by close family members
  • New York-Penn League All-Star, 1984
  • Started foundation to save sick children while being professional athlete
  • Given extra doctorate by St. Joe’s just because
  • 2003 All-Star
  • Even offspring are professional athletes