The Phillies-Giants NLCS is only a lightning-fast 85 hours away, and I recently woke up in San Francisco. The timing couldn’t be more perfect/awful! Now, I’ve got somewhat of a foot in both camps, only my SF foot keeps violently stomping.
The ferocity with which the Giants fans attack you on the street for donning a Phillies hat is simply staggering. One guy yelled “Let’s go Reds!” at me. Then he laughed and patted me on the shoulder. Then he apologized.
These Giants fans keep hurling barrage after apathetic barrage at me, and I know they’re just expecting me to crack. Little do they knew I used to live next door to one of Philly’s larger users of crack, and therefore my threshold for withstanding things has been pushed far, far beyond their watered down western-style baseball comprehension.
So, with a perspective unique to this series after extended exposure to both cities, I can bring you the more critical compilation of comparisons than anything the sports page or other actual journalists could do for you. Rotations, bullpen, offense, and the Giants’ numbers against H2O may seem important, but as I will half-assedly explain, something like dudes in costumes is actually better.
1. Team Youtube Video
Ours: A catchy, original bad-ass rap ballad by local Guerilladelphia that opens with the footage of us winning the 2008 World Series, features Chase coining the term “World fucking champions,” and only suffers from the segments of Cliff Lee in a Phillies uniform striking every other human in frame out. It also ends with Joe Blanton hitting Derek Jeter in the ass with a baseball.
"“What. The. Hell.”—Crossing Broad"
Some idiot who’s probably been a Giants fan for two months grabbing his jersey and wrapping Aubrey Huff’s thong around his face as he lip syncs a Journey parody directly into the camera. He also admits there is a huge chance the Giants are going to lose the NLCS in mid-song.
Ours: Seriously? In case you’re not already picturing him doing something hilarious, here’s a picture of me losing my shit when he showed up at the bar I happened to be in.
Theirs: A seal. I know that because I just had to Google “Giants mascot” to figure out if they even had one. His name is Lou. Here’s a picture of him being asked to leave the stadium by the Giants coaching staff.
Edge: Yeah. Like I need to clear this one up for you.
3. Having to Compete with Local NFL Team
Sometimes I wish the Phillies played in the same town as my fantasy football team. Nobody would even be aware that the town’s football team even existed, and if they ever found out, they’d kill themselves.
The Eagles are not very good. “SHUT UP!” says you, citing that they are in a three-way tie for first place in a four team division. Even if you were able to morph the Eagles “throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks” strategy into some sort of roundabout dominance, they still don’t compare to where the Phillies are right now. Or where they were on Monday night, when they were about to complete the first playoff sweep in franchise history. However, just because they were, again, writing history, they were still forced to compete with the Eagles and their at that point .500 record for TV viewing bragging rights.
The 49ers are 0-5. Their quarterback was so bad on Monday night the crowd started chanting for David Carr.
But at no point have Giants fans been 1. Forced to choose between the two or 2. Under the impression that such a choice would be difficult.
Edge: Whatever. Fucking Eagles.
4. Performance Against the Braves Within the Last 30 Days
I know, I know you probably think this is just a ridiculous list designed solely to antagonize the Giants. But to spread it around so that everyone’s miserable (Don’t forget, I’m miserable because I just made myself think about the Eagles), let’s shit on the Braves just a little while we’re at it.
Edge: Not the Braves
5. Pat Burrell’s Opinion of Team
Theirs (upon clinching 2010 NLCS berth):
"“We’ve got pitching, and pitching wins.”"
Ours (upon clinching 2008 NLCS berth):
"“To be in this situation, as long as I’ve been here with the organization and to see where we’ve come, to get to this point… it makes it all worthwhile.”"
Edge: Well, that kind of backfired.
6. Number of No-Hitters/Shut Outs Thrown by Starting Pitchers in Post Season
Edge: Ah, that’s better.