Roy Halladay Demands Post Season with 2-Hit CG Shut Out

Now that the Phillies have made the NL East division title as customary as taking out the trash or throwing glass bottles at the possum that lives in your trash, you can dissect several trends that expose themselves after each big win.

• You know it had to be some sort of exciting Phillies win when Zolecki is writing mostly one-sentence paragraphs.
• Also celebrating tonight is the guy who writes the headlines for the Phillies website and memorabilia.  His job is basically done for the next two years, as he’s lucky enough that “four” and “five” both start with F’s, and can therefore be turned into “Phour” and “Phive,” making them the most celebratory general phonics errors in the history of the English language.
• Scott Franzke loves to mention what’s currently happening with the dugout.  He tends to explain that “…they stream out of the dugout,” after J-Roll’s Game 5 walkoff double against the Dodgers and Roy’s perfect game.  Tonight they merely came “…rushing out of the dugout.”  I guess they were too used to it to “stream.”
• Did you see how bored they all looked twisting the tops off the champagne?  “*Yawn* All right, let’s soak each other with booze and then I’ve got to go read to my kids.”
• The cameras were much more liberal about who was on screen.  I was getting multiple of views of guys like Jamie Moyer and Greg Dobbs, who so rarely get screen time anymore you wonder if they’re trapped in a subterranean labyrinth somewhere.  Of course, I’m always assuming that because I have this recurring daymare about subterranean labyrinths and being chased by a minotaur–you know what, NL East champs.  Never mind.

Sitting in bar, inexplicably surrounded by Bears fans as the Packers lose to their line’s inability to stand still on 19 televisions as the Phillies lock up their fourth division title on one TV in the corner is no way to celebrate a dynasty, but we do what we have to.

Lately, some have had the balls to say, jokingly of course, that Roy had become somewhat of the “weak link” of H20, giving up more runs than Cole and RoyO and seeing his ERA climb a bit.  Even as a satirical ha-ha-ha, I imagine thoughts like this are only devoured by Roy Halladay’s universe-eating brain and fuel his carnage.

It must be this way.  It would certainly explain how a guy who leads the league in IP and complete games, whose never pitched in the post season, and will basically just pitch until the day his arm explodes, can come out and just decide to pitch a two-hit shut out, surpassing everyone’s expectations for the game.

The Nationals tried everything they could to stop it; throwing the ball at Jayson Werth, throwing the ball at Roy Halladay, being terrible; but in the end, after nine innings of paralyzing baseball, the Phillies were jogging toward Roy on the pitcher’s mound as if pulled in by his rarely-seen smile–usually saved for big wins or when one of his kids come back with a fresh kill.

Throughout the broadcast, they kept flashing back to various important moments of the season and previous offseason, including one particularly gutting montage in which they for some reason showed every injury and crappy moment in a row.  Then they showed Roy Halladay holding up his brand new Phillies jersey for the cameras as Ruben Amaro stared at him gleefully like he was a giant Christmas present.

Having Roy Halladay on your team is ridiculous.  Its like having your ace be “the sun.”  He’s just bigger than all of it, engulfs everything, and one day, when he reaches his Red Giant phase and sucks the entire earth into his rapidly increasing gravitational pull, we will all be dead.

In the days to come, the rest of the league will align itself, hearts will be broken, and the playoffs will begin.  Whoever is mishandling the TBS Sports package this year will come up with a weird catch phrase, the umps will make a terrible call, and the air’s going to get all cold and autumnal.

But one noticeable difference will undoubtedly by standing in the middle of October; a beacon of terror for all of his enemies.

Roy Halladay is a playoff pitcher.  Good luck, everybody else.

And so, as some teams point out the endless hilarity of pubic hair, Roy gets to celebrate a trip to the post season with a quick butchering of the English language.

"“It was fun, but it’s only going to get funner.”"