Actual Offense Aids Phils in Victory


The Phillies have become the Jim and Pam of baseball.  Will they?  Won’t they?  Is it too late in the series for anybody to care?  Would this make Greg Dobbs Ryan the temp?  Or one of those season one cast members that just evaporated once the other characters had established themselves?

Don’t kid yourself.  You tune in every week for the high stakes and intense sexual chemistry of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Phillies 8, Dodgers 4

So, once again, I’m writing this without much help from the internet, which Amtrak tells me is working just fine, but my laptop disagrees, wholeheartedly.  I’d also like to mention that my keyboard is for reasons I will not be explaining currently missing the “a” key, so let’s all keep that in mind as we spot typo after typo.

Eight runs, huh?  Eight whole runs.  That’s got to be the most runs we’ve scored since [some long ago date], and its certainly the first time Ryan Howard has hit a home run since July 27 [HA–knew that one].

While I am supposed to evaluate the Phillies performance and discuss how it has effected them and their future [EDITOR’S NOTE: Okay…], I have no idea what to tell you because the Phillies seem to do whatever they want.  If you’d like me to drill into the heads of 25 grown men to try and find out what they are thinking [EDITOR’S NOTE: Ah… you were doing so well there for a second] so as to better understand why their baseball-playing is so discombobulated, maybe you should buy me a damn power drill so I can get to work.

Anyways, I always like to see Brian Schneider succeed, because with every Thor-esque swing of his bat, he takes us a little bit further away from the Paul Bako era, when we had a lowercase “L” for a backup catcher, and could depend on him for little else outside of “being there,” and “continuing to be there.”

Schneider’s three-run four-bagger, accompanied with Howard’s offense of a similar nature, made up the majority of Phillies offense, and would have been enough to win, it turns out, but like the Phillies we miss so much, they piled on a few more just because.

If the Phils can win playing small ball, great.  I’m not dripping with home run lust or any such disgusting imagery.  But it’s been insinuated that when they play small ball, they’re not doing it on purpose, which is completely believable.  So if this is a blip on the radar for the offense, who plan on burrowing deep, deep into the earth where it is warm after last night, damn.  Just make sure you can win, guys.  Because last night, with eight runs, it was enough to make Kyle Kendrick look okay.

Which anyone will tell you takes more than a hug.

Speaking of Kyle, I guess I have to mention Kyle.  What do you want me to say?  The kid wasn’t incredible.  Maybe this is what they mean when they call him a “serviceable” fifth starter (that word may as well be his last name), as in his “service” is “to fill the pitcher’s spot in the lineup and little else.”

He gave up a first inning run.  He gave up three more after it.  And there was no way of knowing that tonight the Phillies would summon the offense the help him out.  So I’m still not convinced he’s a guy that I like.

But I am convinced that four runs is less than the amount of runs that the Dodgers had, so there’s no reason to throw things at him [EDITOR’S NOTE: You mean the image of him on your television]

No, I don’t, snarky editor who is me.  I meant the ESPN profile picture of him that appears on the Gamecast while he is pitching.

So, yeah.  It’s even worse.