Ryan Howard Hurls Bat at Fans as Phils Win


Ryan was in the middle of striking out on three straight fastballs with the bases loaded when his bat flew out of his hands, just shy of the fans on the first base side.  The worst part was that it was strike three, and he had to walk back to the dugout naked.

On a night when Ryan and Jayson Werth combined forces for an 0-for-10 exravaganza–featuring 5 strikeouts total!–you’d think the mojo would be on the other side.  Fortunately, we were playing the Diamondbacks, a team who’s mojo has scurried up a tree and died.

Take that Joe Saunders, you incredibly nice man, you.

Phillies 3, Diamondbacks 2

Wheels seemed religious about the game not ending on a home run, as if he’d slipped and hit his head on his dehumidifier this morning and envisioned the thrilling conclusion already, just after the Phillie Phanatic informed him that the Phillies had drafted him #1 this year, and a scorning Harry Kalas appeared to remind to take his meds.

And then, it didn’t end in a dinger, which in a weird way is only further evidence of that ridiculous thing I just made up.

After Kyle Kendrick didn’t zero in enough to have that inning where he shits the mound, the Phillies offense selected to hold back until just the right moment, featuring offense from sources that we had long assumed were dry, or hit into double plays so often that their batting gloves are already off halfway down to first.  Joe Saunders fought off the recently hot bats but fell a victim to that old, Arizonan custom of not hitting the baseball and/or swallowing awful defense.

We went to the bottom of the 10th, thanks to a tears-free Brad Lidge appearance.

Cody Ransom BB’d, followed by somebody ringing Chooch’s dinner bell for a single, which left runner at first and second to Wilson Valdez, the 32-year-old Dominican Tom Green prank victim with a bat stinking of GIDPs.

With only one out, there was a sweet, juicy twin killing to ground into, and Wilson could taste it.  Any second now, that change up this guy’s had working is going to be the end of this inning, and he’d be responsible for double the outs of the average man once more.

But he fucked all that up and canoodled a single into center. Ransom became the focus as Sam Perlozzo waved him home like a panicked armadillo.

Tom McCarthy said some strangely worded phrases and Chris Wheeler made audible nods into the microphone.  Two straight sweeps and eight straight wins, moving to within 2.5 of the Braves and 1.5 of the Wild Card leading Giants.

Now if only we can deal with that Roy Oswalt problem.