Ryan Howard, Fans, Press Say Phillies are Still Cool


"“The Phillies insist that all is well.”"

Let me just stop you right there.

"“…and that their jittery fan base needs to remain calm.”"

The Phillies held a press conference to address solely the fans?  And then called them “jittery”? And then told them all to “remain calm”?  I think you’re confusing “the Phillies” with “the pilot on the intercom the last time I was on a crashing jetliner.”

Anyways, I said “stop.”

"“They’ll point to a schedule in which the Phillies have played their last nine series against teams a combined 84 games over .500. Seven of those teams are at least nine games over.”"

Oh!  Oh, okay.  Thanks for clearing the smoke on that one.

We aren’t struggling because the teams we are losing to are really good teams. From this point forward, we will be playing the only festering shit of Major League Baseball, at no point returning to skilled lineups or masterful pitching. Baseball makes sense after all.  Especially when we make the playoffs.  No good teams make the playoffs.

So, the Phils are a lock to go all the way, as long as they don’t have to play the Yankees, Red Sox, Rays, Twins, Tigers, Braves, Mets, Cardinals, Reds, Rangers, Padres, or Stephen Strasburg  again, ever.  What a relief!  Thanks, guys!

"“In this clubhouse, no one is panicking.”  –Ryan Howard"

Wait, you think that–

"“It’s not like we need help.”  –Ryan Howard"

Hang on, I–

"“No one remembers what your record is in June.”  –Ryan Howard"

Philadelphia Phillies June Records

2007:  15-13

2008:  12-14 (Including six game losing streak, lost ten of their last 13)

2009:  12-15 (Including six game losing streak featuring sweeps by Toronto and Baltimore)

2010:  7-10 (And counting)

We actually get worse every June.  Maybe this is a month we need to start remembering.

"“LOL I laugh my ass off at all these fuckin bandwagon fans pissing their pants LOLOLOL.”  –Comment sections on most Phillies blogs"Woooo I love leaving COMMENTS ON THE INTERNET!!!!""

To review:

  • The press say everything’s cool.
  • The Phillies aren’t panicking and don’t need help.
  • The fans are going crazy to see who can stay the most sane.

My question is, when did being concerned about your team become a signature move of the rats fleeing the ship?  When did straight up denial become a healthy coping mechanism?  It’s because this is my team that watching them flounder around out there like a school of decomposing fish in a toxic lake is so -yank-all-your-hair-out painful.

Surely I can’t be faulted for yelling and complaining and attacking a school bus full of junior high Mets fans with a machete.  This new generation of Phillies fans–you know, the one that started post-2007 when a hundred Delaware Valley high school dipshits opened their eyes and noticed the Phillies were good; the one that’s responsible for 65+ Phillies blogs clogging the internet–really thinks the Phillies have been walking away with the NL East for the past decade.

Yeah, guys!  And clean clothes keep appearing in your dresser because its made of magic, not because your mom spends four hours a day trying to ignore your skid marks!  And the tooth fairy is real and penguins can fly and the Jojo wasn’t hit by a mail truck, we sent him to live on a farm, you know, the same one the Phillies sent Eric Bruntlett to live on.

At the opening of this Indians series–a team we have a chance of really brutalizing and not just slipping by–just keep this in mind, Phillies blogosphere:  Nothing is certain.  So hold on tight, because we’re all hoping for good times.  And we should all be grateful when they return.