Phillies Totally Erase World Series Loss With 9-7 Exhibition Game Victory




Does anybody know whatever happened to Dane Sardinha’s drunk driving charge?  Or were we just supposed to forget about it?  Nobody told me, if that’s what’s happening.  Sorry if I’m ruining a worldwide collective cover-up regarding the drinking problem of a low level catcher in the Phillies organization.

Anyway, he had two hits yesterday, along with Ryan Howard and Placido Polanco.  But that was a bittersweet slice of offense, given the shit-cake of horror Cole Hamels brought with him.

Just as complimentary headlines were beginning to flutter across the Phillies blogosphere:  “Hey, the Phillies starting rotation is looking pretty–Jesus, never mind.”

Cole took the mound yesterday with a 1.69 ERA, when he left after four innings, it had barfed its way to just shy of a solid 5 (4.91).  How about some more negative stats?!  Nine hits, seven runs, six earned.  Yikes.

Fortunately, Cole’s little disaster was made easier by the failures of weasel-faced A.J. Burnett, who it’s okay to openly insult and mock, because I would hate him even if he wasn’t wearing a Yankees costume.  Burnett hilariously gave up five runs in his snuff film of a first inning.

It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish,” Burnett had to say, because of the shittiness involved in how he started.

I don’t know, A.J.  I feel like giving up five runs in the first inning could probably affect how the game ends.  Because the other team has five runs already, and in baseball, the team with more runs wins the game.

God, I hate A.J. Burnett.

Anyways, nobody pitched dominantly, and it really came down to who scored last:  Wilson Valdez, with a walkoff home run off Phil Hughes.  Thank god.

I don’t know how explosive the reactions to Cole’s start are going to be, but he has been open and calm about pretty much everything this spring.  He has no problem telling us what he is doing and why things happened the way they did, and he said yesterday’s start was just an outlet for him to work on his fastball (which Charlie said was coming in high). Dude is locked in, and when you see stats like that, its easy to freak out, like popping a balloon near a sleeping cat.

So everybody just relax.  What’s that?  “You’re the only one freaking out, Justin”?  Fine.

Any day the Yankees lose is a good day.