Everybody Just Needs to Give Noah Lowry a God Damn Second
By Justin Klugh
This Noah Lowry tryout just took a turn for the delayed.
The Phils, one of a couple teams about to monitor the 29-year-old lefty for a possible bullpen spot, were told that a throwing session scheduled for today has been bumped back in order for Lowry to be sure what he is showing them is the best he can hurl.
Stage fright? Cause for suspicion? Is this indicative of a man who crumbles under the slightest pressure?! Answer me, Noah Lowry’s agent, Damon Lapa!
“If he’s at 90 percent now, we’re going to allow him the time to get to 100 percent, because we know clubs have questions based on the time he’s missed.”
Questions that will only be answered by missing some more time.
“Also, everyone has to wear blindfolds throughout the whole tryout and hire me based on the way the balls sounds when it hits the catcher’s mitt. Okay? Cool. Let’s get started. Everybody put on your blindfolds. Now, please.”
Well, the guy hasn’t pitched since 2007, so it makes sense. But if scouts show up to this thing and “Noah Lowry” turns out to just be a newly sensible Chan Ho Park wearing a disguise, I can’t imagine anyone will stick around for very long.
… maybe the Mets.
The Morning Call thinks Ricky Bottalico is doing just great. “…you never knew what was going to come out of his mouth next,” reflects Keith Groller.
“I had guys talking in my ear wondering what I was going to say next,” Ricky himself says, one paragraph later.
I don’t know, I’ve heard RickBo (yeah, don’t know about that) stumble over his own words like his foot was caught in a garden hose on the way to get the newspaper. He and Dutch make quite a pair, with Ricky’s wild-eyed passion taking over at times, turning him into a limb-flinging man-hulk of Phillies statistics, smashing the studio to pieces as Michael Barkann runs for cover; meanwhile, Dutch just sits there with that tiny smile forcing its way onto his face.
Course Barkann kind of loses his shit in that Youtube clip, too, so that criticism only goes so far.
And finally, when you ask the same question one hundred billion times, you can’t be shocked if you get the same answer the one hundred billionth time as you did the first time or the 317,332nd time.
“I’m not a dummy,” Ruben Amaro explained to reporters demanding to know why he traded Cliff Lee. I admire the GM for censoring himself, instead of filling the air with some shocking and possibly obscure obscenities regarding the repetitive nature of the question.
If you don’t have anything to ask, don’t ask anything at all. It might make for some empty newspapers, but I would prefer that to anymore “angles” on the Cliff Lee trade.
And clearly, the Philadelphia media runs on my preferences.
“These first few pitches don’t count,” Noah Lowry added in mid wind-up.