No One Impressed by Mets’ Kidnapping Scheme


The Phillies merrily signed Shane Victorino for a three-year, $22 million recently, giving their already stellar outfield some future sustainability.  With Dominic Brown being the hottest prospect in the Phillies system, and Tyson Gillies also now on his way, the outfield at Citizens Bank Park will be welcoming talented, accurate, and alarmingly fast players in the coming years, most of whom could feel more at home in the pages of Marvel comics than a baseball diamond.

So, what to do if you’re an NL East competitor?  If you are one of the teams waiting and watching the Phils win year after year after year, how do you attempt to neutralize the obvious advantage a team gains in signing a guy like Victorino?

“We’re gonna kidnap Gary Matthews’ son!” the Mets decided in a moment of questionable eureka-ism.

I’m not convinced this move had anything to do with baseball; the fact that Gary Matthews, Jr. plays professionally may be a detail.  I think it’s just a revenge scheme.

Yes, this move by the Mets (this $21.5 million move) makes them the “Harrison Ford movie villain” of the NL East. Any minute now, Gary Matthews will be pounding his fists on the gates of Citi Field, the vehemence of a man who’s lost everything burning in his eyes, his stupid hat flying off in the intensifying breeze, screaming “GIVE ME BACK MY FAMILY!”

Congrats, Mets.  Even as we speak, the United States government is no doubt preparing itself for an attempted hijacking of Air Force One by Jose Reyes and David Wright.

And thus, the NL East chess game continues:  The Phillies bring out a rook, and the Mets, after thinking pensively for five minutes, knock all the pieces on the floor and go to bed muttering.

“Thanks a lot, Carlos Beltran’s knee,” said the Mets as the .258 career-hitting Matthews began unpacking his things.