Not-Yankees Playoff Game Decided by Narrow 11-Run Margin
By Justin Klugh
No Yankees were involved in the Philadelphia Phillies 11-0 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers in game three of the National League Championship Series.
In Philadelphia’s Citizens Bank Park, around 46,000 people watched two teams play a baseball game, neither of whom were the Yankees, for reasons that are yet to be determined.
Officials are insisting that this is nothing to be alarmed about.
“People, the teams were the Philadelphia Phillies and the Los Angeles Dodgers. They are both professional baseball teams, just like the Yankees. They’re just from different cities,” read the official report.
Perplexed baseball fans the world over stood in shock as their televisions were turned on this evening, and no Yankees players were visible. Though the TBS and FOX networks ran countless, nonstop ads as to the time and names of the players involved in tomorrow’s Yankees game, it proved not enough to satisfy those who were suffering from the lack of American League East Division champions on television.
“I would say, with 100% confidence, right now, that any player on the New York Yankees could and would be the greatest United States president in the history of our nation, upon election,” replied Dave Mishkin, a local Yankees fan. “Why other teams are deserving of television coverage is beyond me. The Yankees are America’s team. If they lose, it’s the equivalent of a terrorist attack. If you can’t admit that, than I feel sorry for you.”
Officials from MLB are insisting that tonight’s game had been scheduled on purpose and was played for a reason. They have also assured fans that the Yankees play tomorrow on FOX.
“I missed Derek Jeter on TV tonight,” Gloria Tyson, another local Yankees fan, admitted. “Like, I actually missed him. It was like we’d set a place for him at the table and he didn’t show because he got lost or had car trouble. My heart is literally broken in two.”
Still of concern is why the Yankees were given the early time slot tomorrow; 4pm EST, rather than the coveted primetime spot that had been their’s every other night of the MLB postseason.
“Are you f*cking kidding me?!” Mishkin demanded. “I work hard, and when I get home, I want to be able to relax and watch the Yankees beat up on everybody. I mean, check out our rotation. We got Sabbathia, Burnett, Pettitte, that fat guy whose always got snot all over his hat, and uh… Derek Jeter. I’ll bet he’s a better pitcher than anybody in this ‘National League,’ if it even exists.”
“Now we’ve got to play four hours earlier?! Unacceptable.”
When attempted to be reached for a comment, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter pounded his chest lightly and pointed up at the sky, then proceeded into the dugout.