My Roommate Thinks Cole Hamels is a “Sissy-man”: NLCS Game 1


A howling monsoon has descended on Philadelphia; catastrophic weather sequences terrorize the horizon, not seen in L.A. outside of a Roland Emmerich film.

Am I saying that Los Angeles is dumber than Philadelphia because they make movies there?

No.  I don’t really even know what I’m trying to say.


It hardly seems important to be thinking about MLB playoffs right now, when Avril Lavigne’s marriage is ending.  But, here we are.

7:30 EST, Clayton Kershaw hurls the first pitch at J-Roll, dropping a green flag on what has been predicted to be quite the evenly matched series.  I’ll be there.  On my couch, that is.  Watching it happen thousands of miles away.

Ignoring the “Phillies closer” argument, which has been placed in every baseball analyst’s mouth and played on a continuous loop for weeks now, how many teeth-grinding, hair-yanking, scream-til-your-hoarse moments are we going to see?

So many.  So, so many.  And if the umpires continue their hot streak, we’ll have more than the Dodgers to blame for our troubles.

“I hate Cole Hamels,” Roommate told me.  Then he said he wouldn’t root for the Phillies until he left the game.  “He’s a sissy man.  And he’s a bad actor.”

Baseless accusations, sure, except for the actor thing.

But which Cole are we going to see tonight?  The dominant, return-to-form World Series MVP?  Or the 3 2/3 inning guy, waving the white flag?

Cole’s been a roadblock against the Dodgers this year.  1-0 in 2 games, 1 ER, 14 K, 1 BB, and a 0.56 ERA?  That’s better than I thought it was when I started typing that sentence.

Yet, we’ve been hearing the “Forget the regular season in the postseason” argument all month long, mainly focusing on Brad Lidge, but it’s got to go both ways.  Cole’s got a badass record against these Dodgers, but this is the post season. And he only faced them twice.

I, among many others, did not pick the Dodgers to ditch the Cardinals on the side of road on their way back to L.A. at all, let alone in a god damn sweep.

With his mind birthing-free, and a sense of retribution for his last playoff outing, I’m thinking Cole’s head is going to be in the right place.  He has to be, and he knows that.  The Dodgers’ weak starting pitching and horrifying bullpen click into place against out dominant starters and questionable relievers; we’re going to have to hit them hard, early, and often, on both sides of the ball (I mean, that’s why we put Eric Bruntlett back on the roster.  R…right?).

And if I know that, typing for a mediocre-at-best Phillies blog 3000 miles away, you better believe Cole knows it.

After all, he’s the one with the ball.