Charlie Manuel Encourages Pitchers to Put all Pressure on Chooch

July 4, 2012; Flushing, NY, USA; Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cliff Lee (middle) celebrates with teammates Carlos Ruiz (51) and Roy Halladay after the game against the New York Mets at Citi Field. Mandatory Credit: William Perlman/THE STAR-LEDGER via USA TODAY Sports

It’s a simple thing, guys.

Basically, Charlie Manuel wants Phillies pitchers to be more like Roy Halladay.  It’s not complicated, guys.

You may not have his cutter, or his height, or his stoic, yet friendly, yet professional demeanor and universal respect of everyone in the game, but if you guys want to do this 12-4 thing for real, you are really going to have to channel your inner Halladay’s.  Miniscule as they may be, John Lannan.

Step one is to do everything Chooch says.

All Roy Halladay has is raw, devastating talent.  That’s it; just natural abilities, crafted by years of endless workouts.  It’s how he uses it that counts, and the master of his usefulness is Carlos Ruiz.  Halladay never shakes him off, meaning that Ruiz has yet to make a mistake while controlling the most powerful weapon in baseball.

And what are you guys?  Like, the 127th most powerful at best?  Cliff, you’re pretty good.  And Cole, man, we all know you’re great, too.  But the rest of you – relievers, too; don’t you guys sit there picking each other’s noses like always – if I ever see one of you shaking off Chooch, like you know something he doesn’t, I’m going to run onto that field, evade security, and then get tackled trying to kick you in the groin.

Chooch is your best friend out there.  He knows what he’s working with and the best way to use it to get an out.  And you, what… know the route from Lehigh to Philly by heart?  Great.  Keep that in the back of your head for that glorious day that somebody asks for directions.

But for right now, man, you better believe that Chooch is here to turn you into a mechanized assault vehicle designed to bulldoze the other team’s hopes and dreams.

Put him in your cockpit.

Chooch, you keep doing what you’re doing.  You’re great.  Maybe hold a “free hugs” day or something.

That’d be lovely.