Jonathan Papelbon at Center of Legal Drug Non-Controversy

In a stunning confession, Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon admitted to using a drug permitted by Major League Baseball.

“I just love drugs.” Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

This of course means that yes, Papelbon was being overpaid to perform at an elevated level.  That level was actually his normal level because he is a talented, decorated closer.  He was just pounding something called “Toradol” while with the Red Sox, which is used to relieve pain.

The Phillies, being the bastion of social morality that they are, asked to him to please stop it.  Which he did.

But the damage had already not been done, as the non-steroidal anti-inflammatory supplement was in Papelbon’s system.  Fellow Red Sox pitcher Clay Buchholz also admitted to using the drug, which he theorizes might have been the source of his esophagitis.  Other fun possible side effects of Toradol include:

• Kidney failure
• Bleeding
• Ulcers
• More urinating
• Meningitis

When confronted about the issue, Papelbon talked openly and concocted no lies in front of a federal judge.  His use of the drug was describe as “monthly” and did not raise any suspicions as the drug is a legal supplement, permitted for use by MLB.  The practice is frowned upon, putting the Phillies closer at risk of several high profile frowns.