Phast Phive: Exercises in Phutility

In which the writers of TBOH give you the business

Justin Klugh

*douche chill* Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

Ethan’s going to get to that Josh Hamilton mess in just a second, but throughout all of this, I have been yelling in my head a question:  WHY NO NICK SWISHER?  Don’t get me wrong, three, even two years ago, when my meds were far, far less effective, I would have hurled a cat in a mailbox if Swisher joined this team.

The cocky attitude, the “sports radio” voice, the constant smiling, the beating of us in the 2009 World Series.  None of it appealed to me.

But when you look at the real, hard numbers, that indicate the skill level of baseball being played, Swisher is an amicable option.  I mean he’s a total douche, and he K’s a bunch, but there’s some power coming from the right places.  Fortunately some people who aren’t insane today are asking the same question.

Meanwhile, check out this list of hard-asses the Phillies should pursue to fill a rotation spot, according to Matt Gelb!

"…Joe Saunders, Chris Young, Carl Pavano, Derek Lowe, John Lannan, Jair Jurrjens, Kevin Millwood, and Chien-Ming Wang.—Matt Gelb"

Woooooooooooooooooo doggy

Ethan Seidel

By now you have all read about the preposterous rumor that has the Phillies sending Dominic Brown to the Cubs for Alfonso Soriano. Remember when the Phillies were in on Soriano 5 years ago when he became a free agent? And remember when he was a bust and cost the Cubs tens of millions in sunk costs?

Apparently none of that history is important to RAJ. Not that I think Brown is going to be a superstar, but this deal defies all logic. If you don’t believe me, read what Bill Baer has to say.

Would you give Josh Hamilton $80 mil for 3 years? That’s what the Phillies are reportedly offering for Hamilton’s services. 94WIP broke the news, but that’s not what’s important. Phillies fans, pay attention closely:  Josh Hamilton is not coming to Philadelphia.

I repeat, Josh Hamilton is not coming to Philadelphia.

Texas has too much to lose now if they can’t bring Hamilton back, after missing out on every big name available thus far.

IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Ben Bernstein

Pretty funny article about Michael Young. Not everyone is too excited about the 36-year-old.  The trade really wasn’t that bad, but this interpretation of Ruben’s opinion of Young is great.

Get excited, boys and girls–2013 will be interesting.

Stephen Frey

It’s just nice to see then together again. Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

We can all agree that if Ruben Amaro, Jr. stops after the additions of Ben Revere and Michael Young (and subtraction of Vance Worley) the 2013 Phillies will once again be a flawed team. They are still in great need of a corner outfielder with power, a veteran relief pitcher, and a back of the rotation starter. However, our friend Todd Zolecki at MLB.com played everyone’s favorite game: Name That Line-up (with the roster as currently constituted).

The problem with Zolecki’s line-up is that it probably matches Uncle Charlie’s. He leaves Rollins in the lead off spot, puts Young second, platoons Dom Brown, Ruf, Nix, and Mayberry in the corners, and hits Revere 8th.

I would much rather use Revere at the top of the line-up and move Michael Young behind Howard as Manuel’s resident “professional hitter”. Until another legitimate cleanup hitter arrives, I believe the Utley-Howard 3-4 combination is still the best possible middle of the order.

Regardless, this may be an exercise in futility until game 26 when Chooch comes back and Ruben finds another outfielder.

John Stolnis

Hey, remember that time Jim Thome signed with the Phillies back in 2003 and they were still playing in the bowels of Veterans Stadium and no other free agent wanted to come here? That was cool. And remember that time when the Phillies brought him back to play one last season in Philadelphia to be a left-handed bench player/back-up first baseman even though his back was too messed up to actually play any first base? Right, that was last season. Hey remember that time the Phillies brought him back a third time to do, um, something? It hasn’t happened yet, but it might.

Seriously though, Thome actually has more value this year because the Phils will be playing interleague games throughout the season, not just in June. Could be a valuable piece during those series.

We’ve all seen the rumors about Josh Hamilton, Alfonso Soriano and other free agent/trade possibilities being linked to the Phillies, and it certainly seems as if the Phils are going to spend some money on, well, SOMETHING. But these guys don’t think it’s going to be for one of the big boys.